I just really don’t get “fashion”. Of course I’m also one of those people who think that “Vintage Clothing” really does just mean “stuff I found in my nan’s attic that I’m going to rob you blind for”.
So, I can be a pretty bitchy person at time. Now the positive part of it is that I will do it to your face, if I actually know you that is, I don’t go up to random strangers in the street just to tell them I think they look like idiots.
I’m not really a fashionable kind of girl. I wear the clothes I want to wear because I like them, not because Vogue told me too (seriously, have you ever tried reading Vogue if you’re not into fashion? Give me a Russian dictionary for light reading any day), and more times than not I tend to have issues with what people wear for the sake of fashion more so than what they don’t.
For starters there seem to be a worrying trend of people wearing what I can only describe as ankle trainers. Now I don’t have a problem with these trainers per se, more the fact that kids seem to wear them with no laces and without actually having them covering their ankles, but instead trod them down with their heels too show the world their sockless heels. Dude, get a grip, you look like a twat. Unless you’re 25 and doing it. Then you look like a slightly pathetic twat who is desperately clinging on to adolescence.
Another pet hate of mine are the PVC look leggings. Now, I’m all for individuality, no, really, I am, but surely PVC belongs in the bedroom? Unless you’re dressing up as Cat Woman for Halloween. Although the latter is something most people shouldn’t consider, even if you have got the body for it. Just ask Halle Berry.
Then there are hair extensions. Now I’m not having a go at everyone who wears hair extensions here, if you want to end up with bald spots because extensions are pulling out your natural hair, you bloody well go ahead. What I do not understand is why spend hundreds of pounds on making your hair look naturally long and thick, then tie it up in a hair band and walk around the streets showing everyone the dodgy stitching? Seriously? Not attractive.
Another pet hate of mine is people that think they’re fashionable but in fact they really are just deluded. For instance you buy this really cute top which has a HUGE sticker on it that says wear with leggings (which it appears is the in thing to do with everything these last couple of years), however you decide to ignore the sticker and inside go out wearing just that top and a skimpy thong. Bitch, puh-lease. You may has well wear a sign that says “I give head for lose change. Or a Mars bar.”
Of course there are plenty of other things like men in cardigans, although apparently I’m in the minority when it comes to this and most women love a man who looks like he’s nicked his mum’s jumper. Then that’s the kind of look Danny Dyer sports, and supposedly women like him. Seriously? I’m harder than he is. Or how about jumpsuits? Seriously, nine out of ten women will look unattractive in them, but more importantly, how the hell do you come to the conclusion that wearing one when going out on a night that will involve massive amounts of alcohol and frequent trips to the ladies’ room is going to be a good idea? Of course there’s also the painful trend that is harem trousers. Seriously, even Aladdin swapped his for jeans by now.
1. Excellent chance to show your ex that you were never as concerned about looks as they said you were. SexBots are actually less attractive than blow up dolls. And possibly based on transvestite fantasies on the creator’s side, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just saying that if you’re a straight man, that may not be too attractive.
2. You can’t get a girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. You’re a 40year old virgin.
4. You’re a sex addict who suffers from aphephobia. That would be so fucking harsh.
5. You don’t want someone nagging at you 24/7.
6. You’re highly boring, not very clever, kind of creepy or incapable of having a conversation with another human being… SexBots don’t judge.
7. You’ll never have to worry about being told “I’m on my period”, “I have a headache” or “Don’t you stick that disgusting thing in me, you sex obsessed prick”.
8. She’ll let you pop all the balloons you want.
9. She won’t spit after giving you a blowjob. She may short circuit though.
10. You’ve read the above nine reasons, and think I make a good case and a SexBot really is for you. Join a fucking dating site, we don’t live in some Star Trek alternate universe, you complete and utter freak. (Although if you, as a fetish, just have a thing for robots, go on, good for you, I don’t judge, and don’t really care and have seen weirder. May still want to consider the dating sites though. Seriously.)
Tis the time of year when people convince themselves that they are capable of doing things they just can’t be arsed to attempt during the normal course of a year, Happy fucking New Year.
I am of the opinion that very little in life is set in stone. You can within reason change your circumstances if you are willing to work hard for it, you can change who are, what you look like and even your fucking gender if you’d like to. However, just because it’s the first of January that does not mean you’re going to smoke your last cigarette or stop eating a take away every night. You may be able to tell yourself that this is the case, new year, clean slate and all of that, but you’re just kidding yourself. Sorry.
If you haven’t changed in the last twelve months, what makes you think you can now? You haven’t changed because you haven’t wanted to change, that’s the truth. I haven’t quit smoking in the last year, because I didn’t want to quit smoking. I’m not going to quit smoking today, because I don’t want to quit smoking. I’m not going to become a vegan and work out five hours a day so I can look like a skeleton, because I don’t fucking want to. In fact, because it’s the New Year, I reckon I actually want to even less.
I’m all for people improving their lives, wanting to change things to make themselves happier (actually, I don’t give a shit about other people’s happiness, you’re complete strangers, why would I?), but do it because you want to, not because it’s the first of January and that may keep you motivated for two weeks.
If you need it to be the first day of a new year, a new decade even, to change your life in any way, you probably never wanted it that badly in the first place.
See I love vampires, I’m a self confessed Buff-a-holic, I love Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000 (or 2001 depending on which title you believe to be the right one, interview with a vampire is pretty decent too. I know I dedicate a lot of blog space to a certain other vampire series, which I happen to be less than a great fan of, and I just wanted to share it with the rest of you, as quite frankly, it does sum up how I feel, and it made me giggle.
For future reference, if you are trying to write a book or make a movie and it includes hot and human looking vampires, look below for inspiration. Not a sparkles in the sunlight cougar magnet in sight.
Mmm mmm mmm
So I may have mentioned this before, but nothing makes me smile quite as much as watching my boys at Old Trafford. I actually would go as far as saying that nothing makes me happier than when I’m watching my boys winning at home (or away), there is a reason why football comes before both sex and rock’n'roll in the title on my blog.
It finally feels like my life is whole again and I cannot wait to be spending days and nights in my favourite city in the world. It can get pretty messy though, so watch this space.
AJ Styles with his shirt off
AJ Styles, TNA Wrestler and (in my head at least) Sex symbol, showing off his new tattoo. Yes I like Wrestling, only TNA though. Yes I know it’s fake, but half naked men and women getting sweaty is fucking great entertainment and I fancy the pants off AJ Styles. The dates on his tattoo are the birth dates of his children, so that tells me his pecker works and all. Come to mama, baby, yummy.
Batman. Yes I mean the first one.
I’m sure you’ll be wondering why. Especially those of you who prefer the newer Christian Bale films. I hate to break this to you, but they’re really not that great. Now don’t get me wrong, the wow factor is definitively there. The Dark Knight is a brilliantly entertaining film, although much of the wow factor is delivered by the late Heath Ledger as the Joker, who although very good indeed, is no Jack Nicholson.
Batman Begin was interesting… I find it extremely interesting that a history as dark and intriguing as that of Bruce Wayne and Batman (Yes, I’m a geek and Batman is my dirty little secret) could me made into such an incredible pile of shite. It was not educational, it was not memorable, and Christopher Nolan’s first attempt at the Batman franchise was so far away from that of Tim Burton’s that you would not recognize the character. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if Tom Cruise has played Batman, and to be honest the Last Samurai feel that you get in a certain part of the movie does nothing for the story behind Batman. Of course I realise that there are those of you who loved the film, everyone except me seemed to think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. However, you’re all wrong, and I’m right.
Batman (1989) had everything that a comic strip super hero could dream of, ensured by the rather artistic Tim Burton. The hero was dark, broody with his internal demons, trying to save the poisionous city that saw his parents be killed when he was just a boy whilst trying to have a love life and being looked after by the ever faithful Alfred. Michael Keaton was Batman, Christopher Bale mearly plays him (and this comes from someone who actually adores Christopher Bale, even if he is rather emotionally inept as an actor). He had the beautiful love interest, Kim Basinger really was THE sex symbol of the eighties. And the super villain that made the film what it was, Jack Nicholson’s Joker. I’m sorry Heath, you were a talented actor, but no one does crazy like Jack. Probably because he is absolutely mental.
Yes it has the eighties cheese, yes it has the similarities from Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands, one of which were released before the other the year after Batman, both Tim Burton masterpieces. And they all make me smile, because twenty years later the films are as meaningful and entertaining as when they were first made, because Burton is in the past, current and futuristic all at the same time. The Dark Knight may very well be popular for years to come yeat, but it remains to see if perhaps its popularity was increased by the sudden death of one of its big stars (There I said it, you were all thinking it). Batman didn’t have the tragedy, it has no fancy mambo jambo, it has the weirdness, the creepyness and the humour that a Batman film should have. It was magic, and you can’t remake or recapture magic.
67% of men said a picture of their girlfriend or family is their most treasured possession. Most likely closely followed by the hundreds of rude pictures of their mistress(es) on their phone/laptop/desktop/any other gadget capable of holding digital images.
10% of men have a holiday fling. This does include single as well as attached men, or at least I assume it does. In other words, if you’re dating someone/have just met someone who has recently been on holiday, remember that the pill won’t keep you from getting crabs.
40% of men lie about how sporty they are when they’re on a date. Read as, nearly half of the male species are going to be a major disappointment in bed.
13% percent of men think their girlfriend’s boobs are the sexiest part of her body and 19% of men want their girlfriend to have cosmetic surgery. I guess the rest are into legs and asses?
56% of men use cosmetics each day. Over half of these men said they couldn’t live without fake tan. It makes me happy that there are so many orange Kens walking around waiting for their orange Barbies. They’re going to have a lot of orange little babies, who will in turn breed more orange babies, and in the end the world will be ruled by orange people. That’s when I’ll show that Women may be from Venus, but I’m moving to Pluto [Note: Furthest from the Sun, if you didn't get it, don't bother ever hitting on me. I have high standards. Deal with it]. Even if it’s not a planet anymore.
2/3rds of men have no idea what their girlfriend does to look good, that includes fake tans and leg waxing. Time to find out how them boys handle the hot wax girlies, and I wouldn’t start with the legs.
10% of men couldn’t live without their SatNav. Shame there isn’t one to cater for the female body, I reckon more than one in ten men could do with one of those.
AND my favourite one. 26% of men find a woman more attractive if she knows the offside rule. I knew there was a reason why I keep getting hit on at football. Still does not make it cool though, boys.
P.S Thanks to the person who emailed me the stats part of this xx
I’m talking intellectual geeks, who’re not too bad looking, loves video games but doesn’t wish Spock were their father kind of course. Now geeks are my people, I love gaming, I love a bit of Sci Fi (although not Star Trek, I’m sorry, but it’s silly), and I do love my consoles, computers and gadgets, although probably not as much as the more dedicated geeks.
I like the fact that geeks can be shy, inexperienced and nervous around me, although I do not mean palms sweating because you’ve never spoken to a woman before, you’re fourty, and live with your mother. It makes a nice change from the cocky, boring and completely predictable male population of our lovely country (although, I still love you, don’t worry).
Hope you all like my new t-shirt,
Well I don’t, but it seems everyone else does these days. I don’t get it, I really don’t get (I try to walk away but my feet won’t let me, sorry, short Boyzone moment then).
I find that I become more and more adamant in my refusal to be around people, because to be perfectly honest, people annoy the hell out of me. I used to think when I was a teenager that the way people around me desperately sought attention, wanting to grow up to marry a footballer, or Noah Wyle (google him, do it.) was something they’d grow out of. They wanted to be looked after, they wanted to have loads of money and they wanted to be on the front of all the glossy magazines. Sadly it turns out it’s not something you grow out of. When they go out now, they still dress up like wannabe WAGs. Still put the fake tan on and put up with those hair extensions that look like a horses ass (or should that be tail?). However, what annoys me the most is how stupid they act.
I realise that Katie Price and Jodie Marsh and the likes of those horrible wastes of human life appear to be famous for no other reason but having big tits and no brains. Well, I hate to disappoint you girls, but being stupid won’t get you anywhere. Whilst I imagine neither of them two girls are anywhere as intelligent as they think they are, you do need half a brain to know what to sell, be it a picture of your tits or a bottle of perfume, not to mention know when to spread your legs wider than the Rio de la Plata. Women like Katie Price and those who have since tried to be like her are not famous because they are independent, strong, modern women. They’re famous because they fucked someone with a big wallet, and I hate to tell you this, but just being an airhead with no self-respect will not ensure that the same happens for you.
Being rich, famous, fucking Frank Lampard, none of this will make you happy. Sadly it’s what young girls think will make them happy. Don’t eat, don’t talk, don’t say no. Be a stupid little bimbo, with fake tits and no mind of your own along with no confidence, self respect or anything else remotely attractive to anyone who’s after more than a shit shag at three in the morning. You’ll get your fifteen minutes of fame, when you sell your story to one of the rag papers, but once it calms down again, you’ll be back to living in that council flat with your kids, on your own, and soon enough you’ll be too old to pull anyone remotely famous.
There are smart women, there are women who know how to get what they want out of life, there are women who have more brains than most of the male population put together. Just wish there would be more of them, that way perhaps I could spend time around women without wishing I’d been born with a cock and so could justify my inclination to only spend time with men. Make up, clothes and famous men we’d like to shag but never will, maybe a bit about other halves or children (eek)… It never will be an interesting night out, and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m thinking I’ve finally given up on it ever being interesting. Sorry girls, you really are only good for one thing.
P.S. Not all girls are like this, some women are incredibly interesting, strong, intelligent and everything that could be good about a woman. Sadly they just seem to be forgotten amongst the sea of Barbie doll airheads that seem to infest the offices, high streets and pubs of England.