1. Vanity. I like men who look after themselves, I love how men smell, I love it when their hair is soft and I want to run my fingers through it at any given opportunity. I do NOT love it when you spend more time in front of a mirror than I do, or your muscles are bigger than your brains. Flexing your arms and blowing kisses at the mirror? Guess it’s just you and your hand tonight, mate.
2. No confidence. Now I have been known to be attracted to arrogant men in the past. Christ knows I’ve made some mistakes when it comes to that, but truth be told, I LOVE a confident man. I love a bloke who knows that I’ll be looking at him when he walks through the room, and I love a man who knows I want him. I do not like a bloke who cannot bring himself to look me in the eyes because he’s too busy hiding in his shell because “nobody likes him”. Also fake arrogance to cover up the lack of confidence, not sexy.
3. Jealousy. I should think that everyone likes their other halves to be a bit jealous, after all insecurity often deems us to believe that partners who never get jealous just don’t care at all (guilty of being accused of that. Several times). However there’s jealousy, and then there’s we’re never leaving the house because if another man as much as looks at you I will have to kill him. Seriously mate, if I’m going home with you, be happy about that, if you don’t trust me, you don’t deserve me. It is that simple.
4. Unable to control your stare. Now I’m quite… how to put this delicately… oh fuck it, I have big tits. I walk down the street, blokes stare at my tits, that’s life. However if we’re out on a date and you spend the whole night staring at my tits rather than getting to know me, don’t expect a second date, and do not expect a blowjob as a thanks for the lovely night. I’d rather go home to my sex toys who I know love me for me, rather than the size of my chest. I’m not saying you can’t look at my tits, I’m just saying, I’ve got other body parts too, ones that you’ll never get to see or touch.
5. Dutch courage, gone mad. Now I don’t mind if you need to have a drink before you get the courage to go up to a girl, there’s nothing wrong with it. However it is incredibly unattractive to be sat chatting with your friends and some bloke pissed out of his had comes over and starts drooling whilst telling you he thinks you’re hot and then tries to snog you. Sorry mate, I aint going to be the girl whose name you can’t remember in the morning. I’m out of your league, and quite frankly I doubt it you could even get your sad excuse of a cock semi hard.
6. Sexism. Now I believe in looking after my man (or woman), I’ll cook for you and I’ll give you head when you’ve had a hard day at work, but you do NOT treat me like I’m worth less than you. I am (at least) just as smart as you and I am capable of anything you can and more (multiple orgasms springs to mind). Tell me to shut up, assume all I care about is that I look pretty for you or make demeaning comments about me in front of your mates and I promise you, you’ll be out of the picture quicker than a hooker robs a John who won’t pay.
7. You can’t make me come, or refuse to be told how to. I promise you that I will make you come hard and then beg for more, but I also promise that if you don’t make me moan, you’ll be spending months trying to find someone who can make you feel how I did. Some blokes need help when it comes to making a girl orgasm, that’s fair enough, I am more than willing to tell you just how to leave me shaking from pleasure if you can’t figure it out for yourself. What I am not willing to do is lay on my back whilst you hump me like a limp dog. Sorry mate, but if you can’t and won’t make me scream, don’t let the door hit your naked ass as I throw you out.
8. Hitting on every girl in the club. Oh please, like I am going to have any wannabe WAG’s sloppy seconds.
9. Showing everyone who I belong to. I don’t mind holding your hand, I may even give you a kiss if you behave, but I am not a big fan of public affection. Don’t go grabbing my ass and showing your tongue down my throat every fucking time you think another bloke is checking me out. Feel me up because you fancy me, not because you’re marking your territory like a rampant puppy.
10. Cheating. Don’t cheat on me. It’s like being in an antique shop, you can look but you can’t touch, and if you break anything, I will make you pay. Now I don’t really do relationships and commitment to one person, however if you expect me to play nice and not go off with someone else, I’d expect the same from you, because I promise you, if I end up with Chlamydia because you shagged some slag, if the next week I’m hitting on you… it’s only because I’m very vengeful and have something mean in mind.
Other turn offs include looking at other girls, but not admitting to it if you get caught (I don’t care if you look mate, but grow a pair eh, or at least let me have a look as well), never putting me first (I promise besides from football, I’ll prioritise you to a degree), trying to control me or thinking that no means yes. When I say something, you can count on it being exactly what I’m thinking, so don’t go generalising me and claim that women always say the opposite of what they mean. Oh, and never assume I’m like all other women, because I promise you, you’ve never met anyone quite like me.
1. Being needy. Now whilst I find men being needy slightly attractive (only slightly), women being needy is a completely different matter. I’m not talking need a hug when they’re feeling down, there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m talking being out with a group of people but if you do not give me continual attention I will get pissed off kind of needy. I mean seriously, develop a personality and talk to someone besides your better half.
2. Orange legs. Ok, so perhaps this isn’t really a quality as such, it’s more of a looks issue. However it shows that you would rather look like a peeled orange ( mainly orange in colour but with some white lines and dots scattered around) than be confident enough to be proud of your pale legs. Or bother to put on a pair of tights. A side point to this is women who wear too much make up. Now I wear a lot of make up, I like it, but I know how to wear it. If your face looks like the work of a face painter at a kid’s party, it’s too much.
3. Dumbing yourself down. If you think that a man, or woman, will only be attracted to you if you’re dumber than them, then you’re an idiot. It’s the 21st century girls, there’s nothing wrong with being clever, and stupid women is a turn off. Even page three girls know how to read these days.
4. Flirting with girls when you’re straight, and you are only doing it for attention. That just fucks me off, of course if you’re a straight girl (most of the time) I don’t have a chance with you anyhow, but do not rub up against me and feel me up just to give your fella a hard on love. I may have to smack you.
5. Arguing for the sake of it. Love, if you need attention that badly (look point one) then put on a short skirt or a low cut top, least that way you can get attention without the rest of us having to listen to you argue over the fact that your fella don’t like the shade of nail varnish you’re wearing. Men generally don’t care what colour your nails are honey, as long as you can scratch them down his back when you’re fucking.
6. Arrogance (thanks to the person who reminded me to put this unattractive quality on the list). Now I admit that I can come across as quite an arrogant person (which I am often reminded of), but truth be told I am a very confident person. I am confident in who I am as a person and the skin I’m in. I do tend to think I’m always right, which may be a bit arrogant, but I can admit when I’m wrong. The sort of arrogance I’m talking about is the girls who look down at you because you chose not to get the fake nails, hair extensions and false eyelashes, just to go down to the fucking shop for a pint of milk. Confidence is sexy, thinking you’re the best thing since sliced bread when really you’re just a more stupid version of the plastic fantastic Katie Price, so not hot.
7. Pretending to be someone else. Now I’m not talking dressing up as a naughty nurse pretend, obviously, as that’s hot (on the right girl, of course), I’m talking about the schizophrenia some girls seem to develop around men (and sometimes women). Don’t pretend you go to church because you have a crush on the cute Christian boy at work, don’t pretend you can play the guitar because you overheard the fit mate of your brother saying what a turn on girls who love rock is. Just don’t pretend. If a bloke doesn’t like you for who you are, he’s not going to like you for who you’re not, and nor will I. Besides, there’s plenty of us who’d love to go to that Maiden concert he’d be wasting a ticket on you for.
8. Bitching. What is it with women and not growing up when it comes to slagging off other women. Now I may have, at times, said something bitchy about someone, but you better believe I said it to them first. Sitting in the corner with your girlfriend slagging off the girl who’s chatting to the boys in the group because she’d rather talk about football and sex than make up and what’s happened on “Desperate Housewives” is just sad. And I can promise you, that if your boyfriend’s talking to that girl (that would be me), it’s not you he’ll be thinking about when getting off tonight, by himself no less as you’re too busy on the phone to your girlfriend slating my outfit because I don’t dress like a pretty little bimbo.
9. Talking to me during football matches. Look boys, you’ve all been there right, the girl who wants your attention when you’re trying to watch your team. “You love those fucking players more than you love me.” Hell yes I do, and I’ll tell you why, they understand my passion. You don’t.
10. Inability to comprimise. If you want me to have dinner with your air head friends, then yes you should spend the evening with me and my mates in the pub. If you want me to have dinner with your parents, who by the way hate me, then you should put up with my family (even when I don’t). If you want to go on a holiday, I’ll lay on the beach with you, but not for a straight week. You gotta give as well as you take love, or I’ll find someone who does.
Other qualities that turn me right off are genuine stupidity (may not be your fault you’re a bit on the dim side, but I want someone who I can talk to about more than the outfits at the Oscar’s), vanity to the point of looks being everything you care about and not being able to cook or look after yourself. The last point may be old fashioned, but women should be able to cook, it’s just one of those things. If you don’t know how to put on a stove, I won’t be going near you any time soon.