Is kind of how I’ve been lately really. I’m afraid life’s been rather busy lately, and it’s stopped me giving my opinion of all things great and wonderful that have been happening in the world.
There’s the weather. Pollen infestation one day, hail and misery the next. If there is a God, which I am pretty sure there isn’t, you are in so much trouble for messing me about the way you have. I wish for once England like most of the world would follow the logic of having four seasons in a year, not four season in two fucking weeks.
There’s the resignation of David Laws, who has retsigned after it became public he spent £40 000 paying his boyfriend’s rent. Well, his fella has to have one hell of a pad is all I’m saying, talk about being looked after well. Give it three months and I reckon most Lib Dem Government officials will have “resigned” due to simillar reason. Not nessessarily because they are guilty, which Laws blatantly is, but because it’d be the easiest way for Cameron to ensure his government remains a Tory powerpoint. Lets face it, at the moment it’s pretty much like watching the KKK and a Gospel choir playing happy families, and there’s no way in hell that’ll last that long. Especially not five years, however much Cameron may want to continue doing Clegg and his mates up the arse.
England beat Bangladesh in their first test match. Well, who gives a shit, watching cricket’s like cutting your wrists then watching them bleed out slowly and think of it as entertainment.
Alicia Keys is pregnant, and getting married. Jealous.
The World Cup’s coming up, and England needed Japan to score two own goals to ensure they won their friendly the other day. Yes people, we’re so good we need Japan to score on our behalf. I’m sure that’ll win us the World Cup… really… Bunch of naive twats. When we go out you’re all going to blame Rooney for not running enough, or not scoring enough, so how about you stop cheering for the player who you jeer for most of the year and just start booing him now. That way he may realise that United really is greater than England. By a landslide people.
Dennis Hopper’s passed away. Gutted. For once I’m not going to make any jokes.
In other news, we’re still in a recession, the country is run by worms who are more worthless than a lab rat refusing to test the newest shade in lipstick and I have a bad ankle.
Till next time boys and girl,
When your country is being fucked over royally as the result of a Conservative government.
1. Infiltrate MI5 and get them to execute orders to have David Cameron killed by orders of the Queen. (No I am not being serious, please do not have me locked up for terrorism, I honestly am joking. Really. At least a little bit. Mostly)
2. Send David Cameron love letters and sign them William Hague, make sure the letters look legit. Hence sound pompous and arrogant, whilst showing appreciation that the amount of blowjobs that have been exchanged between the two have now lead to a great political position for the both of them. Then leak the letters to the Sun, who, lets face it, will print anything.
3. Infiltrate the palace wearing Mission Impossible style disguise to appear as David Cameron, get into the Queen’s bed then say in very posh voice: “Ma’am, I would like to thank you for giving me the power to fuck this country up the backside, by analy buggering you.”
4. Give Gordon Brown a hug. Let’s face it, he could probably really do with one.
5. Watch Fringe on Sky 1 HD. Not because it will help matters in the slightest, but quite frankly Science Fiction is a hell of a lot more appealing than reality. I would prefer the world exploding due to improbable continual opening of gateways between parallel worlds than a Tory government.
6. Get a time machine. Travel five years into the future, see what state the UK is in by then and hence decide whether to become a harem girl in Saudi Arabia as of next week.
7. Expect the worst. It can never really be as bad as expected. Lib Dem will have some say won’t they. We won’t all get screwed over totally.
8. Believe in the power of positive thinking.
9. Realise positive thinking does not work.
10. Become an excessive drinker, smoker and all around annoying little cunt. And probably become a Member of Parliament as a result of it.
I admit, I didn’t see it coming. Well at least not before the election. Is Nick Clegg really so desperate for power that he is willing to go into a coalition government with the party who is as far right as he is left? We will not get electoral reform under the Tories, ignore what they’re telling you Nicky, they’re lying. Did they promise you that they would not close the mines (are there even any left to close?) or that they would not steal any candy (or milk) from small children?
I for one feel like I’ve just been fucked up the backside by the biggest cock known to man, and I did not enjoy it at all. By the look of Lord Mandelson’s face on Sky, I’d make a well educated guess that it is in fact over. Labour should have done more to ensure a deal could be reached, that much is for certain, but the Liberal Democrats should never have gone in for a deal with the Tories. You’ve sold us out Nick, and it’s not for the better of the country, it’s for the better of you and your need for power, something which you will never achieve whilst working with the scum of the earth. You have sold your soul to the Devil, perhaps because he wears nice suits and speaks poshly and so you can relate to him.
I for one will never be able to forgive Nick Clegg for going in for a coalition with the Conservatives. You will not get what you want, there will be no Liberal Democrat passing of laws or policies, you will spend the next five years being raped prison style over and over by the devil and his hell hounds. And we will pay the price for you.
I hope you’re happy Nick, you have a few hours to make it up to me and prove me wrong, but I can’t see it happening. You’ve made me fall out of love with you, and I only hope that your party peers decide to go against your wishes, and if they do not you may all feel free to rot in hell.
Late night call between Clegg and Brown confirmed, could it be that we may get what we want after all?
This is going to be a very very short post, as that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. However I have to admit it has got my blood pumping. Logically, and politically, Labour and the Liberal-Democrats are much more compatible than the posh twats and Lib-Dem are. Yes I realise Clegg’s a Cambridge graduate, but I’m sorry, the fact that he’s got a good education doesn’t mean he’s a posh twat, I know plenty of well educated people who’re complete and utter commoners. Which is good, because that’s my peeps.
If Clegg rolls over and decides to let Dave “please beat the posh twat out of me” Cameron fuck him up the arse, then I have to admit that will be it for me as far as the Liberal Democrats go. Clegg’ll have lost me as quickly as he’s won me, and I will not be the only one. Despite the disappointing amount of seats won by Nicky and his party, the actual percentage of votes were not at all that bad. Of course it could have been better, and perhaps if a bunch of people hadn’t tactically voted to keep the Tories out (that went well eh) they may have been.
So as I go to bed, I shall be keeping my hopes up that we will see a love story rivalling that of Titanic (I fucking hate that film, I was so happy when Leo Di Caprio’s character died, I actually laughed a little) developing between Gordy and Nicky. Oh how happy that would make me, and if nothing else it is keeping my mind off tomorrow and what it brings… the final match of the season. Ugh, Imayhaveaheartattack.com.
P.S. I’m holding out for a hero, I’m holding out for a lib-lab at the end of the day… It just popped into my head and won’t leave. Kinda catchy, no?
No, this isn’t breaking news at all, but it very well could be. Whenever there are elections held in countries where the current “government” or the people attempting to get to power cannot be trusted, the Western World and the people campaigning for equality and democracy tend to go running. So how come they aren’t coming running to our aid?
Hundreds of people all over the country have not been allowed to vote due to local government fuck ups, or to your regular conspiracy theorist, cheating. It may not seem like very much, after all what can a couple of hundred voters do right? Those couple of hundred add up to start with, but more importantly, if they’ve fucked that up, what else can they have messed up.
Sod Labour, Sod the Conservatives and double sod that slimy git that is the posh little cunt David Cameron. England isn’t a democracy, a Tory party whose interests serve only those who are rich and influential does not show a fair country. Perhaps if English politicians would climb out of the days of a British Empire and the thirst for power that comes with it they may realise that for England to function in a modern society the political system will need an overhaul. At some point people will grow tired of watching their appointed MPs yelling at each other in the House of Commons like little school boys and girls, and instead want something to be done.
Perhaps the next step should be to suggest the people who voted Tory should be put in front of the Hague, charged with crimes against humanity. Or we could just put both them and those voting BNP on a deserted island and encourage a real life idiot participant Battle Royale.