I have to admit, writing this I am feeling very concerned that I may have to give up my season ticket at Old Trafford and leave England forever, or at least for five years.
No, there’s no warrant out for my arrest, nor have I got a crazy stalker (at the moment) or am taking my fear of commitment to the next level and leaving the country. It is of course the election I’m talking about, and the possibility of a Conservative government. I am so sorry England, you lovely little island, but if Cameron gets to power, the prospects of five years under the Tories makes me weep on the inside.
There’s nothing inside me that makes me feel connected to the Tories. I’m not posh, hell every other word I say is fuck or cunt, unless I’m working or in a some other social environment that requires me to behave somewhat politely. I’m not in the top ten percent wealthy people, nor am I a homophobic old codger who thinks divorce is evil and women voting should still be illegal. So the thought of spending the next five years watch Cameron ruin the country I call home is pretty depressive, as in hand me that bottle of vodka so I can drink myself into oblivion depressive.
I understand the frustration felt by the English people, the recession, immigration, educational levels, NHS problems, John Terry’s inability to keep his cock in his trousers… they’re all valid issues, but there is NO reason for people to want to add to our problems by putting that slimy little git in charge.
So please, please, please PRETTY please don’t let the Tories in, I promise I’ll never ask Santa for anything else ever again.
So I’m just thinking, Gordon Brown promising that if he gets the vote for PM, he’ll stay in office for the full five years… Is that really a good thing? I’m not a conservative, far from it, under general circumstances I would probably be a Labour voter, or in worst case scenario just join the Independent Party, however I’m afraid that David Cameron using the phrase “Five more years of Gordon Brown” has a bigger impact in the negative sense than Brown saying it has in a positive sense.
I do realise that this is a promise Brown has to make, not that it holds much clout as everyone will still remember that Tony Blair made that same promise only to fuck off into oblivion once things started to go wrong. Two years is a bit far off five isn’t it Tony? I do think that Gordon Brown means his promise, I don’t think he has any intentions of stepping down if he does bring Labour forward to their fourth consecutive term in office. Lets face it, things can hardly get much worse for the country, and if he was going to fuck off chances are he would have done so a long time ago. Considering all the criticism he has suffered it almost makes you wonder if he actually enjoys pain a bit too much, and in the future may be better off becoming a regular client with a Dominatrix.
It’s not all bad for our Gordon though, at least he seems more able to smile these days, perhaps it’s the knowledge that in a months time it may very well all be over and he can move on from the mess he’s been stuck in for so long. In which case our new Prime Minister will be one whose party thinks that having compulsory Sex Education for 15 year olds would be a bad thing in a country where both pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases are getting ridiculously common amongst teenagers.
How about me for Prime Minister? Higher tax for rich people without wanting to make the normal family suffer, sex education for teenagers as I am tired of seeing 14 year old kids pushing prams, lager or fag in hand, and retraining bankers as teachers? Not on my watch, I say send them to Australia, after all that’s what we used to do to criminals who had done a lot less than ruin an entire country’s economy. Surely it would be better than a hung parliament which according to the polls is where we’re heading.
Now lets be perfectly honest, this is not going to be a serious insight into the world of politics. Sure I am quite capable of being both serious and even making intelligent statements both for and against the different parties, but there are plenty of other people out there doing that and I’d suggest if that’s what you’re interested in you should read a newspaper. Well a broadsheet, I wouldn’t suggest opening up the Sun or any of the “papers” like that unless it’s for anything else but women who have had ballons fitted behind their nipples.
My first problem with the National Election is the date it’s being held. 6th of May 2010, surely the election should have been about three years ago before the country was forced to take the on a bulldog as Prime Minister because Tony Blair and his slimy smile decided to step down before the shit hit the fan. Oh, and Gordon, Tony may be “supporting” you in public, but I promise you, when he goes home, counting his money and touching himself from the excitement of all the power he is surrounded by… he still takes a second to have a giggle to himself over how he left you in charge of a roller-coaster about to go off the track.
David Cameron. He is young. He is charming. He makes YouTube videos where he has an incredibly creepy grin. Now, if you’re old enough to try and act “young and hip” or you use those words… chances are you are neither young or hip. You may however be seen as desperately trying to be. Now I admit, David Cameron does come across as one hell of nice guy, doesn’t he? The kind you’d want to take home to your mum because he’s just that eat him up alive sincere. Well, he’s a politicians, so that means he’s a born actor along with being a master class liar. Add to that, he’s a conservative. Remember how that ended last time? I guess at least Gordon Brown is too stupid to make a convincing liar, so for those of you who believed anything he ever said… never, ever, ever attempt to play poker with anyone above the age of five.
Nick Clegg. Oh Nick Clegg. Nicky Nicky Nicky Nicky Cleeeegg-erson (read whilst thinking football chant, you may get it). There’s not really much to say about Nick really. Except his head is scarily big for his tiny neck. Makes me think the weight of all those serious thoughts he must be having may very well make the poor man snap in two pieces. Now I don’t think Clegg is any worse, or better than the other two main candidates running for election, however I also think that there is no chance in hell that he will draw in enough voters to have a decent chance at winning. It’s like PE class all over again isn’t it, no one is going to pick the silent geek in the back for their team, hell even his friends tend to struggle to remember who is some of the time.
Of course there’s always Nick Griffin. Haha. Yeah I know, he makes Nick Clegg look like a viable winner doesn’t he. After all, not even in a country raged by the recession, anger about political scandals and decades of lazy immigration laws will give us a Nazi Prime Minister (I hope). Yes, I said it, he’s a Nazi. Sorry Griffin, but as much as you may try to hide it, and as much as your party may work to deny your racist (well beyond) tendencies, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you slept with a first edition copy of Mein Kamf under your pillow. Your poor wife is all I can say, can’t be much of a turn on for her when her hubby only wants to have sex once he’s put on a fancy uniform and drawn a little stash under his nose with a black marker.
So who do you think you will vote for in the election? I think the best way of going about making your decission may very well be voting for the person you think may do the least amount of damage to the country. Can’t figure out which one that may be? Get a dart board and let lady luck decide, lets face it, either way, we’re probably screwed.