I’m lucky in that I have plenty of friends who don’t base someone’s right or wrong opinions in regards to football on whether or not I have a penis or not, but I haven’t always been that lucky. It’s not always easy being a female football fan, but it’s something I won’t often whine about, because it has had as many benefits during my life as it has had negative experiences.
It doesn’t matter what team you support, at some point you would have thought that someone one your team is a money grabbing whore (*cough*Rooney/Tevez*cough*), unless you’re a deluded Liverpool fan who thinks Gerrard never handed in a transfer request that is.
(Picture may not be completely relevant, but let’s face it, who doesn’t like being reminded of Rafael owning the money grabbing whore)
This Premiership season as been the worst season of football I’ve seen in a while, not one team has been consistently good, and it has made for depressing football. Players don’t seem interested, and they don’t play well with their team mates. Of course there are plenty of reasons as to why; however I’m going to chose to focus on one point, being that footballers are generally spoilt little bitches.
Think about it, they get paid hundreds of thousands of pounds EVERY month to kick a ball about once or twice a week and have a few training sessions with their mates. When people are that spoilt, it takes away their motivation to perform. It’s like being a parent, if you give your child candy for throwing a tantrum, they’re never going to learn that in order to get a prize you have to be good little boy or girl, not spit your dummy out at every opportunity. So I say, enforce performance based pay.
Do you think players would make a bigger effort to play better if their expensive watches, fancy cars and nights with escorts depended on it? I do. The likes of Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Gary Neville are a dying breed. Most footballers today do not have an emotional bond with their club, they’re doing a job, and unlike most people, they get paid more in a week than most people do in a year even when they’re absolute shit. All players go through bad periods, they’re not going to be at their best every day, we all have a bad day at the office, but weeks or even months without a decent performance wouldn’t be accepted in any other job, so why should it be done in football? Rewards encourage hard word, and perhaps if footballers were treated as what they are, employees, rather than spoilt brats fed with a silver spoon, we may all enjoy football a lot more than we do, not to mention slow down the alarmingly growing trend of more players than ever bouncing from club to club
It’s not plausible of course, but hey, a girl can dream?
P.S. I’m not saying all players are like this, but as passion is pushed out of the game and money continues to be thrown around, it’s only going to get worse.
Whether it’s your relationship or your football team, it seems that some times it really is much of the same.
On the good days you’ll score three or even four, on the bad days you don’t score at all or you find the other team is scoring without you being allowed in on any of the fun.
On a good day you’ll get away with a rough tackle or mouthing off, on a bad day you’ll get a red card for being caught in a compromising position although you’ve really not done anything wrong. This time, at least.
Some days you score the goal of a life time, other times you find out the goal came with syphilis. I don’t really know how you could relate getting an STD to football though. Unless you’re an Argentinean national team player/Manchester City player and your bunk buddy for away matches is Carlos Tevez.
On a good day you win the European Cup, on a bad day you slip on a wet patch and can’t fulfil your obligations.
See. That got your attention didn’t it. Football fans are a lot of things; fickle, opinionated and conflicted. Whilst some fans have an opinion and stick to it, some change with the wind and others just have opinions that conflict each other more than someone who’s against the death penalty but would like the right to own a gun just so they could shoot the unfortunate bastard who decide to burglarize them.
For instance, I know a lot of people who would have no problem whatsoever with a gay footballer playing for their team, however I also know a lot of people who would hate it, not to mention make a big deal out of it EVERY fucking time there’s a rumour going around about a footballer whose sexual interests do not involve a 21 year old escort who’ll shag your brains out but then go on to sell your story for a couple of grand to get her through her next tit operation. Now despite this, these same people have at least one footballer who at some point they’ve uttered the words “I’d leave my wife for him” or something to that effect. A great example of this is David Ginola at Spurs, although to be fair he did have his moments of looking a bit like a very handsome girl.
Then there’s the love/hate relationship displayed by some football fans for their club. Take for example the fans of a certain London football team (no names mentioned, however they have an unfortunate nickname related to male prostitution amongst some opposition fans), who’ve been known to boo their team. Despite being one of the top teams in the league, and on occasion when they’ve actually held the first spot. Then I suppose, you shouldn’t really expect much from fans that’ve only got the one song for their team. Booing your team is pretty much up there with leaving a match when there’s still the better part of a half to go. Seriously, you pay between £40-£80 for a ticket, plus travel costs, plus however many pints and a dodgy pie, and you’re going to leave early because you’re losing (like some West Ham fans may have realised was a bad move after they came back against West Brom at the weekend) or boo your team because you’re losing, or even drawing. You really think that is going to help your team? As for the excuse of if the team doesn’t perform it entitles you to boo them, let’s say we’re having sex and it turns out you’re a shit shag, does that mean I’m entitled to turn around and boo you? Think about it.
To be fair, as football fans, it’s our right to change our mind, to be opinionated and support our team in the way we see fit. Doesn’t mean you can’t be a right dickhead in how you chose to do it though.
Stereotypical female football fans.
I don’t think blokes realise just how hard it is to be a female football fan, even now when we’re in the year 2010. Most of my male mates will say that they take the female fans just as seriously as the male fans; however, that’s an outright lie. You don’t take us seriously till we’ve spent a hell of a long time discussing football with you to the point we’ve shown that we have the knowledge for you to take us seriously, and I mean one HELL of a long time.
Sadly though, our cause isn’t helped by the amount of stupid female “football fans” out there. Someone gave me a link to a blog today, football blog written by a woman. Now I’m too much of a lady to actually put the name of the blog down in writing, however, it’s exactly the kind of drivel I’m taking about. The kind that makes it harder on the rest of us. Some silly bint who thinks the easy way to blogging fame is to turn the game into something reeking of sex appeal, once again making it seem like women only watch football because there’s athletic men running around in shorts. Well, news flash, boys, there isn’t anything sexy about some dude’s hairy legs, bad hair cut (or hair transplant in the case of some, not mentioning names, but he used to play for the lesser side in Manchester) or stupid robot dancing. There’s nothing sexy about a big pay check either, that is, unless you’re a money grabbing whore (Wayne Rooney will know where I’m coming from, bless his less than averagely gifted brain). These women are the same who’ll be turning up at matches with their dads, uncles and boyfriends with their fake eyelashes and high heels that sadly in too few a case ends in broken necks.
You’re a disgrace to female football fans everywhere, and to be perfectly honest, I think we should do the entire world a favour and take you around the back of the barn and put you down like the challenged and wounded animals that you are.
There are plenty of female football fans out there, who know a lot about football, some of them are very good friends of mine and happen to know a hell of a lot more than most men I know. They spend a lot of their time getting slated for opinions simply because they’re women, they spend a lot of time reading up on news and rumours to give them an edge on the men when it comes to football, and I don’t know why they bother. I stopped doing that a long time ago. I know what I know, which is a hell of a lot, and I don’t feel the need to prove myself just because I’m a woman. If anything, when a man chooses not to take me seriously because I’m a woman talking about football, that is one less person I need to waste any of my precious time on. In the meanwhile, I’ll be more than happy doing my bit tripping up silly little bitches going down the stairs at the ground in their platform shoes.
A quick walkthrough of the teams in this year’s World Cup, simply because I have nothing better to do.
Algeria: No chance, but they’re generally not too bad to watch.
Argentina: Have a chance, although in my opinion probably won’t win it. Nor do we want them to win it, never mind the Hand of God, if the Argies win it Maradona’s threatened to show us the nuts and spanner of God.
Brazil: Always a contender. Always a bunch of cheating bastards who for some reason seem to get away with murder with the referees. May win it, but probably won’t deserve it.
Cameroon: I’d love for them to do well, sadly they probably won’t do much.
Chile: People won’t expect much from them as they generally don’t know much about them, they may surprise you though.
Ivory Coast: Their star (wanker) Didier Drogba may be returning despite having a broken arm. Which pretty much says all about how good they are without him doesn’t it.
Denmark: Don’t make me laugh. Although, they’ve surprised us before, of course, that’s like nearly two decades ago.
England: Sorry people, but won’t happen. No, really. It’s not going to happen. If it does I’ll eat my hat. One of you will have to buy me a hat first though.
France: They’re shit. They’re manager is doing his best to ensure they remain shit, and to be honest I have a bigger chance of winning it taking on all the top teams, on my own.
Germany: Hell. No.
Greece: Bless them, but no.
Honduras: It’d be brilliant if they did, but sadly just because you’re in the World Cup it doesn’t mean you have a chance at winning it.
Italy: Usually do well in the World Cup. Shame their a bunch of facist, corrupt bastards. Come on, you know you’re all thinking it.
Japan: Not even if the other teams defended as badly as the yanks defended Pearl Harbour. (Heel heat)
North Korea: No.
South Korea: Nope. Although will probably do better than their Northern “friends”.
Mexico: Well I’m cheering for them, although not that hopeful. They’re the underdogs though!
The Netherlands: Haha. Hahaha. Yeah, right.
New Zealand: I believe one website, may have been Betfair, is giving you a 1000/1 on the Kiwis to win. I’d say it’s worth putting a quid on it, although you’d probably need a nuclear disaster affecting everyone but their team for the bet to go through.
Nigeria: Could put up some tough matches, but it won’t help them much further than the first group play if they get through.
Paraguay: Make an educated guess at how Uruguay will do, then imagine half of that and you’ll have Paraguay.
Portugal: Well, they do have Ronaldo. However, that won’t be enough and they’ll be left disappointed again. Of course a few winks here and there could lighten the whole cup up.
Serbia, Slovakia and Slovenia: No, no and no. Or maybe njet.
South Africa: There is no such thing as poetic justice.
Spain: Seems the favourites, however, it remains to be seen if they can live up to the high expectations.
Switzerland: Neutral countries rarely win anything. Except for “lost” Nazi gold.
Uruguay: They’ll do OK, no better, no worse. Along with France, Mexico and South Africa they probably make up the toughest and least predictable group.
USA: They call it “soccer”, if they ever win the World Cup I think football as a sport may as well be retired.
So basically… We may end up with no winners! COME ON MEXICO!!
Is kind of how I’ve been lately really. I’m afraid life’s been rather busy lately, and it’s stopped me giving my opinion of all things great and wonderful that have been happening in the world.
There’s the weather. Pollen infestation one day, hail and misery the next. If there is a God, which I am pretty sure there isn’t, you are in so much trouble for messing me about the way you have. I wish for once England like most of the world would follow the logic of having four seasons in a year, not four season in two fucking weeks.
There’s the resignation of David Laws, who has retsigned after it became public he spent £40 000 paying his boyfriend’s rent. Well, his fella has to have one hell of a pad is all I’m saying, talk about being looked after well. Give it three months and I reckon most Lib Dem Government officials will have “resigned” due to simillar reason. Not nessessarily because they are guilty, which Laws blatantly is, but because it’d be the easiest way for Cameron to ensure his government remains a Tory powerpoint. Lets face it, at the moment it’s pretty much like watching the KKK and a Gospel choir playing happy families, and there’s no way in hell that’ll last that long. Especially not five years, however much Cameron may want to continue doing Clegg and his mates up the arse.
England beat Bangladesh in their first test match. Well, who gives a shit, watching cricket’s like cutting your wrists then watching them bleed out slowly and think of it as entertainment.
Alicia Keys is pregnant, and getting married. Jealous.
The World Cup’s coming up, and England needed Japan to score two own goals to ensure they won their friendly the other day. Yes people, we’re so good we need Japan to score on our behalf. I’m sure that’ll win us the World Cup… really… Bunch of naive twats. When we go out you’re all going to blame Rooney for not running enough, or not scoring enough, so how about you stop cheering for the player who you jeer for most of the year and just start booing him now. That way he may realise that United really is greater than England. By a landslide people.
Dennis Hopper’s passed away. Gutted. For once I’m not going to make any jokes.
In other news, we’re still in a recession, the country is run by worms who are more worthless than a lab rat refusing to test the newest shade in lipstick and I have a bad ankle.
Till next time boys and girl,
1. Vanity. I like men who look after themselves, I love how men smell, I love it when their hair is soft and I want to run my fingers through it at any given opportunity. I do NOT love it when you spend more time in front of a mirror than I do, or your muscles are bigger than your brains. Flexing your arms and blowing kisses at the mirror? Guess it’s just you and your hand tonight, mate.
2. No confidence. Now I have been known to be attracted to arrogant men in the past. Christ knows I’ve made some mistakes when it comes to that, but truth be told, I LOVE a confident man. I love a bloke who knows that I’ll be looking at him when he walks through the room, and I love a man who knows I want him. I do not like a bloke who cannot bring himself to look me in the eyes because he’s too busy hiding in his shell because “nobody likes him”. Also fake arrogance to cover up the lack of confidence, not sexy.
3. Jealousy. I should think that everyone likes their other halves to be a bit jealous, after all insecurity often deems us to believe that partners who never get jealous just don’t care at all (guilty of being accused of that. Several times). However there’s jealousy, and then there’s we’re never leaving the house because if another man as much as looks at you I will have to kill him. Seriously mate, if I’m going home with you, be happy about that, if you don’t trust me, you don’t deserve me. It is that simple.
4. Unable to control your stare. Now I’m quite… how to put this delicately… oh fuck it, I have big tits. I walk down the street, blokes stare at my tits, that’s life. However if we’re out on a date and you spend the whole night staring at my tits rather than getting to know me, don’t expect a second date, and do not expect a blowjob as a thanks for the lovely night. I’d rather go home to my sex toys who I know love me for me, rather than the size of my chest. I’m not saying you can’t look at my tits, I’m just saying, I’ve got other body parts too, ones that you’ll never get to see or touch.
5. Dutch courage, gone mad. Now I don’t mind if you need to have a drink before you get the courage to go up to a girl, there’s nothing wrong with it. However it is incredibly unattractive to be sat chatting with your friends and some bloke pissed out of his had comes over and starts drooling whilst telling you he thinks you’re hot and then tries to snog you. Sorry mate, I aint going to be the girl whose name you can’t remember in the morning. I’m out of your league, and quite frankly I doubt it you could even get your sad excuse of a cock semi hard.
6. Sexism. Now I believe in looking after my man (or woman), I’ll cook for you and I’ll give you head when you’ve had a hard day at work, but you do NOT treat me like I’m worth less than you. I am (at least) just as smart as you and I am capable of anything you can and more (multiple orgasms springs to mind). Tell me to shut up, assume all I care about is that I look pretty for you or make demeaning comments about me in front of your mates and I promise you, you’ll be out of the picture quicker than a hooker robs a John who won’t pay.
7. You can’t make me come, or refuse to be told how to. I promise you that I will make you come hard and then beg for more, but I also promise that if you don’t make me moan, you’ll be spending months trying to find someone who can make you feel how I did. Some blokes need help when it comes to making a girl orgasm, that’s fair enough, I am more than willing to tell you just how to leave me shaking from pleasure if you can’t figure it out for yourself. What I am not willing to do is lay on my back whilst you hump me like a limp dog. Sorry mate, but if you can’t and won’t make me scream, don’t let the door hit your naked ass as I throw you out.
8. Hitting on every girl in the club. Oh please, like I am going to have any wannabe WAG’s sloppy seconds.
9. Showing everyone who I belong to. I don’t mind holding your hand, I may even give you a kiss if you behave, but I am not a big fan of public affection. Don’t go grabbing my ass and showing your tongue down my throat every fucking time you think another bloke is checking me out. Feel me up because you fancy me, not because you’re marking your territory like a rampant puppy.
10. Cheating. Don’t cheat on me. It’s like being in an antique shop, you can look but you can’t touch, and if you break anything, I will make you pay. Now I don’t really do relationships and commitment to one person, however if you expect me to play nice and not go off with someone else, I’d expect the same from you, because I promise you, if I end up with Chlamydia because you shagged some slag, if the next week I’m hitting on you… it’s only because I’m very vengeful and have something mean in mind.
Other turn offs include looking at other girls, but not admitting to it if you get caught (I don’t care if you look mate, but grow a pair eh, or at least let me have a look as well), never putting me first (I promise besides from football, I’ll prioritise you to a degree), trying to control me or thinking that no means yes. When I say something, you can count on it being exactly what I’m thinking, so don’t go generalising me and claim that women always say the opposite of what they mean. Oh, and never assume I’m like all other women, because I promise you, you’ve never met anyone quite like me.
1. Being needy. Now whilst I find men being needy slightly attractive (only slightly), women being needy is a completely different matter. I’m not talking need a hug when they’re feeling down, there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m talking being out with a group of people but if you do not give me continual attention I will get pissed off kind of needy. I mean seriously, develop a personality and talk to someone besides your better half.
2. Orange legs. Ok, so perhaps this isn’t really a quality as such, it’s more of a looks issue. However it shows that you would rather look like a peeled orange ( mainly orange in colour but with some white lines and dots scattered around) than be confident enough to be proud of your pale legs. Or bother to put on a pair of tights. A side point to this is women who wear too much make up. Now I wear a lot of make up, I like it, but I know how to wear it. If your face looks like the work of a face painter at a kid’s party, it’s too much.
3. Dumbing yourself down. If you think that a man, or woman, will only be attracted to you if you’re dumber than them, then you’re an idiot. It’s the 21st century girls, there’s nothing wrong with being clever, and stupid women is a turn off. Even page three girls know how to read these days.
4. Flirting with girls when you’re straight, and you are only doing it for attention. That just fucks me off, of course if you’re a straight girl (most of the time) I don’t have a chance with you anyhow, but do not rub up against me and feel me up just to give your fella a hard on love. I may have to smack you.
5. Arguing for the sake of it. Love, if you need attention that badly (look point one) then put on a short skirt or a low cut top, least that way you can get attention without the rest of us having to listen to you argue over the fact that your fella don’t like the shade of nail varnish you’re wearing. Men generally don’t care what colour your nails are honey, as long as you can scratch them down his back when you’re fucking.
6. Arrogance (thanks to the person who reminded me to put this unattractive quality on the list). Now I admit that I can come across as quite an arrogant person (which I am often reminded of), but truth be told I am a very confident person. I am confident in who I am as a person and the skin I’m in. I do tend to think I’m always right, which may be a bit arrogant, but I can admit when I’m wrong. The sort of arrogance I’m talking about is the girls who look down at you because you chose not to get the fake nails, hair extensions and false eyelashes, just to go down to the fucking shop for a pint of milk. Confidence is sexy, thinking you’re the best thing since sliced bread when really you’re just a more stupid version of the plastic fantastic Katie Price, so not hot.
7. Pretending to be someone else. Now I’m not talking dressing up as a naughty nurse pretend, obviously, as that’s hot (on the right girl, of course), I’m talking about the schizophrenia some girls seem to develop around men (and sometimes women). Don’t pretend you go to church because you have a crush on the cute Christian boy at work, don’t pretend you can play the guitar because you overheard the fit mate of your brother saying what a turn on girls who love rock is. Just don’t pretend. If a bloke doesn’t like you for who you are, he’s not going to like you for who you’re not, and nor will I. Besides, there’s plenty of us who’d love to go to that Maiden concert he’d be wasting a ticket on you for.
8. Bitching. What is it with women and not growing up when it comes to slagging off other women. Now I may have, at times, said something bitchy about someone, but you better believe I said it to them first. Sitting in the corner with your girlfriend slagging off the girl who’s chatting to the boys in the group because she’d rather talk about football and sex than make up and what’s happened on “Desperate Housewives” is just sad. And I can promise you, that if your boyfriend’s talking to that girl (that would be me), it’s not you he’ll be thinking about when getting off tonight, by himself no less as you’re too busy on the phone to your girlfriend slating my outfit because I don’t dress like a pretty little bimbo.
9. Talking to me during football matches. Look boys, you’ve all been there right, the girl who wants your attention when you’re trying to watch your team. “You love those fucking players more than you love me.” Hell yes I do, and I’ll tell you why, they understand my passion. You don’t.
10. Inability to comprimise. If you want me to have dinner with your air head friends, then yes you should spend the evening with me and my mates in the pub. If you want me to have dinner with your parents, who by the way hate me, then you should put up with my family (even when I don’t). If you want to go on a holiday, I’ll lay on the beach with you, but not for a straight week. You gotta give as well as you take love, or I’ll find someone who does.
Other qualities that turn me right off are genuine stupidity (may not be your fault you’re a bit on the dim side, but I want someone who I can talk to about more than the outfits at the Oscar’s), vanity to the point of looks being everything you care about and not being able to cook or look after yourself. The last point may be old fashioned, but women should be able to cook, it’s just one of those things. If you don’t know how to put on a stove, I won’t be going near you any time soon.
Now I love football. I’m a born red, and I will die a red. If you don’t have any interest in football, I reckon you should probably stop reading now because the next paragraphs will mean absolutely fuck all to you.
Watching your team win I imagine is like falling in love. Watching your team loose is like falling in love then coming home early to find your man, or woman, shagging the ugly tramp next door. Guess what, just because you’ve seen them, that doesn’t mean they will stop, they’ll keep going to rub your nose in it. Then they will put a recording of it on the internet, and spam your e-mail and phone with pictures till you get to the point where you feel like hanging yourself, because your heart is that shattered into a million little fucking pieces. Then, just as you think it’s all going to be ok again, they’ll tell you they also fucked your sister/brother, AND they’re having a baby together. They will then take you to a dark alley, beat you senseless before burying you alive.
That’s pretty much how I feel right now. All of those emotions is what I went through tonight when I watched my team go three nil up, then waste it away. Slowly. Painfully. Sickeningly. Heartbreakingly. If you have ever had your heart broken, then imagine it happening twice in five days. Imagine two lots of ninety minutes ruining your entire year. Then imagine having to see the images of your other half crushing your sprit and soul for days to come.
As if that wasn’t enough, there is one more thing that has managed to really, really piss me off tonight. Every time I go to Old Trafford, I see other women like me who go there because we love our team, we sing as loudly as the men, and we cry and scream both from happiness and misery. Then I see the stupid little girls in their tiny little skirts and their high heels who doesn’t even know the fucking offside rule, who during the match tell the rest of us to sit down, spend the whole fucking ninety minutes talking about fucking shoes and how bored they are and don’t give a shit once it’s over. Thank you for making it even harder to be a female football fan you silly little bints. Thank you for taking up seats that real fans could have used just because going to football might make your boyfriend so happy he won’t ask for a blowjob later so you don’t have to mess up your precious lip gloss. Most of all, thank you for staying the hell away from me after the match, because if you hadn’t, right now you’d be in hospital with a stiletto stabbed into your airhead brain and I would be locked up for GBH.
That is all.