The one thing that has always fascinated me when it comes to relationships is just how little it takes for people to throw it all away. Now anyone who has read my blogs for any period of time knows my views on monogamy and how unrealistic I find the concept in a lot of cases. However, and this is a rather big however, I have not, do not and never will cheat. There have been occasions in the past where I have been sexually involved with someone who has been in a relationship, and I freely admit that this may make me seem slightly hypocritical, however I am not responsible for the actions of others, nor do I put it upon myself to be someone else’s moral compass. Is it something I would do again should I ever find myself single again? No, probably not, I’m too old for any drama that may come from it. Do I think I was in the wrong for the occasions when I did do it? No. When it comes down to it, as a single person you’re only responsible for yourself, the person in the relationship is the one who is doing something wrong. The only reason why single people get treated with such distain when they have a sexual relationship with someone who is in a relationship is because the wronged party find it much easier to get angry at someone they don’t have a direct relationship with than someone they love. It gives you somewhere to place your anger whilst still justifying continuing a relationship with a man/woman that you do not trust and who has so little respect for you they would sleep with someone else.
Whether it’s your relationship or your football team, it seems that some times it really is much of the same.
On the good days you’ll score three or even four, on the bad days you don’t score at all or you find the other team is scoring without you being allowed in on any of the fun.
On a good day you’ll get away with a rough tackle or mouthing off, on a bad day you’ll get a red card for being caught in a compromising position although you’ve really not done anything wrong. This time, at least.
Some days you score the goal of a life time, other times you find out the goal came with syphilis. I don’t really know how you could relate getting an STD to football though. Unless you’re an Argentinean national team player/Manchester City player and your bunk buddy for away matches is Carlos Tevez.
On a good day you win the European Cup, on a bad day you slip on a wet patch and can’t fulfil your obligations.
1. I don’t have to hang out with his dickhead friends who think I go to football to watch men in shorts. Hairy legs, GOD how sexy.
2. I love the female body; nothing is sexier than a woman’s body. However you, that is “females”, do my fucking head in. I would rather be single than spending my time having my ear chewed by some bird who thinks just because we’re sleeping together I’m obliged to listen to every stupid little problem she has. Nicked yourself shaving? Get a fucking band aid, no need to bloody cry about it.
3. In laws. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been involved with people in the past who’ve had parents I’ve actually liked more than the person I’ve been seeing, but let’s be honest, who needs the fucking hassle? I already have one set of parents, I do not need another one hassling me about what I’m doing with my life, am I having children, is it going to be soon, not to mention marriage. Why the fuck would I want to get married, do you have any idea how expensive divorces are? Nor do I want to bring any children into your messed up family. You still wash your son’s clothing? I won’t be a replacement mum for your son.
4. In order to have a good relationship, it needs to be based on friendship. Once you go from friendship to a relationship, 99percent of the time, you can’t go back. The fact that they hit on every girl in the club when drunk won’t be cute when you’re going home with them, not to mention it’ll have you wondering whether that itch you’ve been feeling lately really is just feminine itching.
5. Break-ups. Seriously, who needs the stress? I’ve never had a really ugly break-up, but who needs naked pictures of themselves plastered all over the internet. Not to mention having every one of your mutual friends look at you like you’re crazy because he’s told them you started crying because he left the toilet seat up. It’s not like they’ll believe you when you tell them he was the one crying after you ripped the toilet seat off and smashed him over the head with it.
6. You feel like you’re living with a puppy, except you don’t get the cute, cuddly side of it. Seriously, what is it with blokes who get so pissed that they forget where the toilet is. Pissing in the bed, down the staircase, on the sofa, in the kitchen sink or in the wardrobe all over my nice shoes… What the FUCK is wrong with you?
7. Criticizing every little thing I do. Did you know men actually have more car accidents? I don’t need you telling me that I’m going too slow or too quick, or perhaps I use the indicators too early. You really shouldn’t talk, especially as you never give me any indications of when you’re about to be too quick. Which again, is another good reason to be single, at least vibrators don’t finish till you want them to.
8. It’s cheaper. Christ, why would you want to spend money on cards and gifts for every little anniversary or Valentines day or “I’m sorry I got too drunk last night” days. I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where the only time we talk is when we are exchanging cards that say a load of bollocks neither of us would actually say out loud and sincerely mean. Also, most people probably wouldn’t appreciate it when I give them a card that says “My Sincere Condolences” when they suggest after being together for a year we should get married.
9. Custody of the Xbox 360 and the HDTV with Surround Sound system. I’m better at gaming than you are, and we both know you’d never be able to put it together yourself. You’d never be able to give it as much love as I could.
10. You don’t have to deal with the aftermath of a bruised ego because you refused to fake an orgasm. Or having to utter the phrase “It happens to everyone”, or “It doesn’t matter” and actually make out like you mean it. Really isn’t my problem that you had one too many beers and now you can’t get it up, that’s why God invented vibrators. Plus, they don’t require pillow talk.
1. He’ll expect perfection. You’ll quickly learn not to.
2. Artificial insemination.
3. DIY books for dummies. Even without them, you will probably do better than a man anyhow, in my experience, women are generally better at DIY.
4. You already know the offside rule.
5. Sex toys have more stamina. And they won’t ask you to cook and clean for them.
6. You’re more than capable of having arguments about insignificant things by yourself.
7. Men never grow up, which makes you eternally mummy’s less than perfect replacement.
8. You’d rather be driving that gorgeous car, than be in the passenger seat.
9. They act even more like women, than us women.
10. Sandra Bullock said so, and she’s a fittie, so must be right.
I might do a ten reasons why you need a man later on. Lol. Yeah, right.
- And the men who take advantage of them.
Now I’m a reasonable woman. I don’t ask for a lot in a man. Well, actually I do. Unlike some women, what I look for in a man is not someone who will pay the bills on time, that will assume my lack of interest in married life sex is a green light to have a string of affairs or that him “putting up” with my friends means it’s OK for him to spend every other night down the pub with his mates.
They say that fifty percent of marriages end in divorces. Of course “they” also say that this is like to be a consequence of of divorce no longer carrying the stigma and shame it did only a few decades back. Now, I’m quite happy to go along with that being part of the reason. I’ll also happily suggest that perhaps another reason is that people simply fall out of love with each other. What surprises me is that there are few surveys carried out to determine how many divorcees actually only got married in the first place due to fear.
There’s the fear of getting to a certain age, where your biological clock ticks away in your head louder than Big Ben attached to a amplifier. There’s the fear of growing old, wrinkly and unattractive to anyone young enough to make it from the living room to the kitchen without using a walking frame. There’s the fear that nobody will ever love you the way you could love them, and I believe this one has to take the blame for a lot of the fear-wedding casualties. Then there’s waking up alone, sleeping alone, eating alone, talking to the TV and your pets because you will end up completely alone living in a bubble detached from the rest of the world, because that’s what single people do.
Fear plays a big part in most people’s lives. You don’t make commitments because you’re scared of rejection. You do commit because current accepting partner stifles your greater fear of spending another decade terrified of rejection. You always pick up your dog’s poo at the park because you’re scared to death of the invisible poo-police. However, fear is not a reason to settle down (or simple settle), get married and have 2.4 children.
I would rather be alone and happy, than lonely, married and unhappy. I’m not a great believer in marriage, I don’t think it’s something that would suit me, but I would like to thank that if it came down to it I would get married out of love and because it felt night, not because I had some unexplainable need to drive a people carrier packed with noisy kids or some desperate idea that happiness is somehow connected to the supposed stability brought on by the ability to to say “I do” whilst blinking back the tears.
Men have a built in radar for women who needs to be looked after. I call it the caveman alert, its alarm-bell being a voice in their head that says “Pretty girl, look after, big, strong man. Puff your chest out now.” Nothing, except for making a woman moan loudly, makes a man feel more important than looking after a fragile little bird, and I don’t mean one with wings. They’ll make her feel good about herself whilst training her to be the best wife she could be. Cook, clean, shoot out babies like a vending machine injected with a load of pound coins. Best of all, they convince women that’s happiness, and by the time they realise otherwise, the wrinkles and stretch-marks has them convinced they can’t find anyone else. All that and you haven’t even turned 30 yet, not looking good is it?
Everyone deserves to be happy, if you can’t find the person who will ensure your happiness, then learn to be happy on your own and live your life. You’re more likely to meet Mr Right if you’re happy in yourself anyhow. Besides, there’s nothing you can get from a man that a certain battery driven invention can’t replace.
Does not exist. At this point I would like to apologise to myself for crushing my childhood hopes for the perfect man. Although I never really had any realistic hopes that there were such a thing as even a semi-perfect man, a girl can always dream right?
Of course it’s not just me that are missing out, I’m afraid to say this people, but there is no one out there that is absolutely perfect for you. Of course you could pretend that there is such a thing as the perfect man or woman. The dreamy eyes, the smarts, the cooking skills, the willingness to give morning head, whatever floats your boat. However there is no such thing. There is no such thing as perfection, and I’m sorry but anyone who says “perfection is found in the imperfections” or something stupid like that, please feel free to punch yourself in the mouth now.
People ask too much of other people. You expect to find your partners to be perfect, yet you expect them to accept your imperfections. What IS up with that? I am sorry, but it will never work like that. Not to mention, you will spend a lot of time desperately trying to ensure that person’s happiness, only to find that it will in fact never be quite enough to make them happy. So here’s what I’m thinking, and please, I am actually being serious, stop being so incredibly set on people only being in relationships with one person at the time. Encourage people to have several relationships. Why? Because everyone will be happier. Well for those of us it suits, crazy jealous people may want to seek other ways to ensure happiness.
Imagine, you could have one person that wants to go to the theatre with you (hey, I CAN be cultured you know, despite the facts I swear like a builder and am less posh than the Queen’s dogs), you can have one person who is great in bed, one person that’s intelligent and you can have conversations with about all the brainy stuff (you know the sorts, politics, books, history and art)… How brilliant would that be? Personally I don’t need social acceptance to be living by these suggestions (Not that I do, well at least not right now, but I may have done in the past), however some people feel the need to be following social levels of acceptance when leading their lives, AND these are the people you can help.
So be more accepting of people who chose to lead their lives rather differently, and you too can ensure other people’s happiness. If nothing else, think of the fucking karma points. Or if that doesn’t work, think of being married and it being socially acceptable to have a lover when your wife no longer puts out. Not to mention you won’t have to worry about waking up in the night with your balls being super-glued to your thighs.
Yep, you got it, I’m a commitment phobe. Big time. I can’t really commit to anything past which football team I support, which politician I back or what kind of music I love (and even on the latter I do sometimes run scared of my schizophrenic behaviour).
I have always had issues committing in a relationship. I don’t like being tied down, even as a teenager when most of my friends had a steady girl- or boyfriend, I didn’t. I had special friends, but not the go on a date or cuddle up with kind. More the, I’ll sleep with you when I feel like it kinda thing. Whenever it went past that, and those dreaded words came out. I went running.
I love you. Three innocent words right? Nah-ah. Not if you say them to me. Firstly, you’ve gotta be pretty bloody crazy to love someone who from the beginning makes it clear that they’re only after one thing. When I say not going on dates, I honestly mean not going on dates. I have never in my life been on a date. Why? Because the thought of going somewhere with one person when the underlying issue is to experience whether you’re suited to be in a relationship with each other, not to mention the public affection, absolutely terrifies me. I don’t mean I haven’t gone somewhere with just the one person that I’ve happened to be in a physical relationship with, but they have never been dates, just a matter of convenience when we’ve both wanted to watch a football match at the same pub, or have had an interest in seeing a new film or going to a concert. However there was no holding of hands, or gazing into each other’s eyes or any of that soppy shit.
When someone’s told me they love me, usually one of two things happen. I either freeze up and say nothing or I start laughing. Or if someone has told me on the phone, which did happen once, I freaked out and hung up. Then I break it off, either by actually being honest end ending things because I don’t want to have a physical relationship with someone that has feelings for me that I can’t reciprocate, it’s not fair on them. Or I sabotage things because I actually have feelings and that terrifies me even more than commitment itself.
What worries me the most though is the amount of people that seem to have developed feelings for me in my somewhat short life. Do people really begin to love someone simply because they make you laugh and give good head? I’m bitchy, I’m incredibly difficult to spend time with if things go beyond friendship, and at times even before that. I’m argumentative, competitive, can be very selfish, think I’m better than most people, the list goes on. Sure I have good qualities, I have shit loads of them, but I do not understand why you would develop feelings for someone who so blatantly does not have the ability to commit to having dinner never mind being in a *gulp* sexually exclusive relationship.
No, it’s not because I have underlying psychological issues, nor is it because I had a bad childhood or because my first love broke my heart and now I don’t trust men/women (all things I have been accused of, by one person it was all of those and more), I just really don’t think it’s in my nature to commit to one person. So I’m sorry, to all the men and women out there who may think they’d like to date me, you’re out of luck. Of course, if you’ve read this and still want to date me (No I do not need someone to just show me what love is, I know what it is)… I am really not the one with psychological issues.