If you really, really have to celebrate it.
1. A set of ten coupons for blowjobs. Valid any time. You’re not allowed to complain + no making funny faces + if he wants you to swallow, do it. Only fair.
2. Five free passes to go out with the boys (well, you don’t want him taking the piss, and if you give him anymore, he probably will). This way you get a night to yourself to do, well, whatever normal women do. Watch the soaps maybe? He doesn’t have to come home expecting trouble. May want to add in a clause of no using the blowjob coupons on the same nights as the free passes though, he’s only going to pretend he’s forgotten he got one in the morning, the slimy bastard.
3. An Xbox 360/PS3 if he’s not a gamer, get the PS3. You can play games; he can watch porn blu-ray style, resuuult.
4. One of them car track sets, you know where you push the button and they go around in circles racing each other. Think about it, whenever someone gets those for kids, who end up playing with them? The “grown-up” men do. Actually, get me one of those. Please.
5. Porn. Now the last one can be a miss as much as a hit. Some men would love their other half to get them porn (although they may take it as an invite to sex, so you know, if you’re not up for that, may want to get him a couple of shirts from M&S and maybe a nice tie instead). However, they could be a miss, as some men have what I like to call “badly hidden porn syndrome”. Common symptoms include hiding porn in the back of the closet (despite you doing all the laundry, so you will find it putting clothes away, tidying, or just being generally nosey), leaving porn in the VCR/DVD player and claiming it’s not theirs (yeah, because your 80 year old neighbour sneaks over whilst you’re both at work to watch porn in your house) and clinging on to year old porn mags and usually hide them in the bathroom (that one’s even lost on me). Now if your man is the latter kind of man, don’t get him porn. Chances are he’ll feel about the same as someone really religious being handed a crucifix by Satan.
Now, I’d have thought it’s quite obvious that I’m not the kind of person who would celebrate Valentine’s Day. So in honour of all the like minded people out there, which probably will be made up of mainly single people, broken hearted people and 40 year old virgins, I’m going to do a countdown to the big day itself.
In commiserations of the day itself being only five sleeps away, let’s get this party started.
Five gifts to be suspicious off
1. Your girlfriend/wife gets you tickets to go see your favourite football club despite ALWAYS complaining about how you never spend time with her and instead you’re glued to Sky Sports. The milkman’s coming around mate, and it ain’t for a brew.
2. Flowers from Tesco’s garage. Yes, he did get it on the way home from work after he forgot that it’s the one day a year where if he comes home with something good, he won’t have to beg for sex.
3. You notice a big purchase on the credit card from a jewellery store. You get flowers and chocolates. And he doesn’t ask for sex. You do the maths.
4. Sexy lingerie when you hate getting into bed with anything but one of his old t-shirts on. Obviously it looked good on his bit on the side, and they were on BOGOF!
5. A Chlamydia testing kit. What a way to say I love you.