1. Excellent chance to show your ex that you were never as concerned about looks as they said you were. SexBots are actually less attractive than blow up dolls. And possibly based on transvestite fantasies on the creator’s side, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just saying that if you’re a straight man, that may not be too attractive.
2. You can’t get a girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. You’re a 40year old virgin.
4. You’re a sex addict who suffers from aphephobia. That would be so fucking harsh.
5. You don’t want someone nagging at you 24/7.
6. You’re highly boring, not very clever, kind of creepy or incapable of having a conversation with another human being… SexBots don’t judge.
7. You’ll never have to worry about being told “I’m on my period”, “I have a headache” or “Don’t you stick that disgusting thing in me, you sex obsessed prick”.
8. She’ll let you pop all the balloons you want.
9. She won’t spit after giving you a blowjob. She may short circuit though.
10. You’ve read the above nine reasons, and think I make a good case and a SexBot really is for you. Join a fucking dating site, we don’t live in some Star Trek alternate universe, you complete and utter freak. (Although if you, as a fetish, just have a thing for robots, go on, good for you, I don’t judge, and don’t really care and have seen weirder. May still want to consider the dating sites though. Seriously.)
Now, I’d have thought it’s quite obvious that I’m not the kind of person who would celebrate Valentine’s Day. So in honour of all the like minded people out there, which probably will be made up of mainly single people, broken hearted people and 40 year old virgins, I’m going to do a countdown to the big day itself.
In commiserations of the day itself being only five sleeps away, let’s get this party started.
Five gifts to be suspicious off
1. Your girlfriend/wife gets you tickets to go see your favourite football club despite ALWAYS complaining about how you never spend time with her and instead you’re glued to Sky Sports. The milkman’s coming around mate, and it ain’t for a brew.
2. Flowers from Tesco’s garage. Yes, he did get it on the way home from work after he forgot that it’s the one day a year where if he comes home with something good, he won’t have to beg for sex.
3. You notice a big purchase on the credit card from a jewellery store. You get flowers and chocolates. And he doesn’t ask for sex. You do the maths.
4. Sexy lingerie when you hate getting into bed with anything but one of his old t-shirts on. Obviously it looked good on his bit on the side, and they were on BOGOF!
5. A Chlamydia testing kit. What a way to say I love you.
1. I don’t have to hang out with his dickhead friends who think I go to football to watch men in shorts. Hairy legs, GOD how sexy.
2. I love the female body; nothing is sexier than a woman’s body. However you, that is “females”, do my fucking head in. I would rather be single than spending my time having my ear chewed by some bird who thinks just because we’re sleeping together I’m obliged to listen to every stupid little problem she has. Nicked yourself shaving? Get a fucking band aid, no need to bloody cry about it.
3. In laws. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been involved with people in the past who’ve had parents I’ve actually liked more than the person I’ve been seeing, but let’s be honest, who needs the fucking hassle? I already have one set of parents, I do not need another one hassling me about what I’m doing with my life, am I having children, is it going to be soon, not to mention marriage. Why the fuck would I want to get married, do you have any idea how expensive divorces are? Nor do I want to bring any children into your messed up family. You still wash your son’s clothing? I won’t be a replacement mum for your son.
4. In order to have a good relationship, it needs to be based on friendship. Once you go from friendship to a relationship, 99percent of the time, you can’t go back. The fact that they hit on every girl in the club when drunk won’t be cute when you’re going home with them, not to mention it’ll have you wondering whether that itch you’ve been feeling lately really is just feminine itching.
5. Break-ups. Seriously, who needs the stress? I’ve never had a really ugly break-up, but who needs naked pictures of themselves plastered all over the internet. Not to mention having every one of your mutual friends look at you like you’re crazy because he’s told them you started crying because he left the toilet seat up. It’s not like they’ll believe you when you tell them he was the one crying after you ripped the toilet seat off and smashed him over the head with it.
6. You feel like you’re living with a puppy, except you don’t get the cute, cuddly side of it. Seriously, what is it with blokes who get so pissed that they forget where the toilet is. Pissing in the bed, down the staircase, on the sofa, in the kitchen sink or in the wardrobe all over my nice shoes… What the FUCK is wrong with you?
7. Criticizing every little thing I do. Did you know men actually have more car accidents? I don’t need you telling me that I’m going too slow or too quick, or perhaps I use the indicators too early. You really shouldn’t talk, especially as you never give me any indications of when you’re about to be too quick. Which again, is another good reason to be single, at least vibrators don’t finish till you want them to.
8. It’s cheaper. Christ, why would you want to spend money on cards and gifts for every little anniversary or Valentines day or “I’m sorry I got too drunk last night” days. I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where the only time we talk is when we are exchanging cards that say a load of bollocks neither of us would actually say out loud and sincerely mean. Also, most people probably wouldn’t appreciate it when I give them a card that says “My Sincere Condolences” when they suggest after being together for a year we should get married.
9. Custody of the Xbox 360 and the HDTV with Surround Sound system. I’m better at gaming than you are, and we both know you’d never be able to put it together yourself. You’d never be able to give it as much love as I could.
10. You don’t have to deal with the aftermath of a bruised ego because you refused to fake an orgasm. Or having to utter the phrase “It happens to everyone”, or “It doesn’t matter” and actually make out like you mean it. Really isn’t my problem that you had one too many beers and now you can’t get it up, that’s why God invented vibrators. Plus, they don’t require pillow talk.
67% of men said a picture of their girlfriend or family is their most treasured possession. Most likely closely followed by the hundreds of rude pictures of their mistress(es) on their phone/laptop/desktop/any other gadget capable of holding digital images.
10% of men have a holiday fling. This does include single as well as attached men, or at least I assume it does. In other words, if you’re dating someone/have just met someone who has recently been on holiday, remember that the pill won’t keep you from getting crabs.
40% of men lie about how sporty they are when they’re on a date. Read as, nearly half of the male species are going to be a major disappointment in bed.
13% percent of men think their girlfriend’s boobs are the sexiest part of her body and 19% of men want their girlfriend to have cosmetic surgery. I guess the rest are into legs and asses?
56% of men use cosmetics each day. Over half of these men said they couldn’t live without fake tan. It makes me happy that there are so many orange Kens walking around waiting for their orange Barbies. They’re going to have a lot of orange little babies, who will in turn breed more orange babies, and in the end the world will be ruled by orange people. That’s when I’ll show that Women may be from Venus, but I’m moving to Pluto [Note: Furthest from the Sun, if you didn't get it, don't bother ever hitting on me. I have high standards. Deal with it]. Even if it’s not a planet anymore.
2/3rds of men have no idea what their girlfriend does to look good, that includes fake tans and leg waxing. Time to find out how them boys handle the hot wax girlies, and I wouldn’t start with the legs.
10% of men couldn’t live without their SatNav. Shame there isn’t one to cater for the female body, I reckon more than one in ten men could do with one of those.
AND my favourite one. 26% of men find a woman more attractive if she knows the offside rule. I knew there was a reason why I keep getting hit on at football. Still does not make it cool though, boys.
P.S Thanks to the person who emailed me the stats part of this xx
- And the men who take advantage of them.
Now I’m a reasonable woman. I don’t ask for a lot in a man. Well, actually I do. Unlike some women, what I look for in a man is not someone who will pay the bills on time, that will assume my lack of interest in married life sex is a green light to have a string of affairs or that him “putting up” with my friends means it’s OK for him to spend every other night down the pub with his mates.
They say that fifty percent of marriages end in divorces. Of course “they” also say that this is like to be a consequence of of divorce no longer carrying the stigma and shame it did only a few decades back. Now, I’m quite happy to go along with that being part of the reason. I’ll also happily suggest that perhaps another reason is that people simply fall out of love with each other. What surprises me is that there are few surveys carried out to determine how many divorcees actually only got married in the first place due to fear.
There’s the fear of getting to a certain age, where your biological clock ticks away in your head louder than Big Ben attached to a amplifier. There’s the fear of growing old, wrinkly and unattractive to anyone young enough to make it from the living room to the kitchen without using a walking frame. There’s the fear that nobody will ever love you the way you could love them, and I believe this one has to take the blame for a lot of the fear-wedding casualties. Then there’s waking up alone, sleeping alone, eating alone, talking to the TV and your pets because you will end up completely alone living in a bubble detached from the rest of the world, because that’s what single people do.
Fear plays a big part in most people’s lives. You don’t make commitments because you’re scared of rejection. You do commit because current accepting partner stifles your greater fear of spending another decade terrified of rejection. You always pick up your dog’s poo at the park because you’re scared to death of the invisible poo-police. However, fear is not a reason to settle down (or simple settle), get married and have 2.4 children.
I would rather be alone and happy, than lonely, married and unhappy. I’m not a great believer in marriage, I don’t think it’s something that would suit me, but I would like to thank that if it came down to it I would get married out of love and because it felt night, not because I had some unexplainable need to drive a people carrier packed with noisy kids or some desperate idea that happiness is somehow connected to the supposed stability brought on by the ability to to say “I do” whilst blinking back the tears.
Men have a built in radar for women who needs to be looked after. I call it the caveman alert, its alarm-bell being a voice in their head that says “Pretty girl, look after, big, strong man. Puff your chest out now.” Nothing, except for making a woman moan loudly, makes a man feel more important than looking after a fragile little bird, and I don’t mean one with wings. They’ll make her feel good about herself whilst training her to be the best wife she could be. Cook, clean, shoot out babies like a vending machine injected with a load of pound coins. Best of all, they convince women that’s happiness, and by the time they realise otherwise, the wrinkles and stretch-marks has them convinced they can’t find anyone else. All that and you haven’t even turned 30 yet, not looking good is it?
Everyone deserves to be happy, if you can’t find the person who will ensure your happiness, then learn to be happy on your own and live your life. You’re more likely to meet Mr Right if you’re happy in yourself anyhow. Besides, there’s nothing you can get from a man that a certain battery driven invention can’t replace.
Does not exist. At this point I would like to apologise to myself for crushing my childhood hopes for the perfect man. Although I never really had any realistic hopes that there were such a thing as even a semi-perfect man, a girl can always dream right?
Of course it’s not just me that are missing out, I’m afraid to say this people, but there is no one out there that is absolutely perfect for you. Of course you could pretend that there is such a thing as the perfect man or woman. The dreamy eyes, the smarts, the cooking skills, the willingness to give morning head, whatever floats your boat. However there is no such thing. There is no such thing as perfection, and I’m sorry but anyone who says “perfection is found in the imperfections” or something stupid like that, please feel free to punch yourself in the mouth now.
People ask too much of other people. You expect to find your partners to be perfect, yet you expect them to accept your imperfections. What IS up with that? I am sorry, but it will never work like that. Not to mention, you will spend a lot of time desperately trying to ensure that person’s happiness, only to find that it will in fact never be quite enough to make them happy. So here’s what I’m thinking, and please, I am actually being serious, stop being so incredibly set on people only being in relationships with one person at the time. Encourage people to have several relationships. Why? Because everyone will be happier. Well for those of us it suits, crazy jealous people may want to seek other ways to ensure happiness.
Imagine, you could have one person that wants to go to the theatre with you (hey, I CAN be cultured you know, despite the facts I swear like a builder and am less posh than the Queen’s dogs), you can have one person who is great in bed, one person that’s intelligent and you can have conversations with about all the brainy stuff (you know the sorts, politics, books, history and art)… How brilliant would that be? Personally I don’t need social acceptance to be living by these suggestions (Not that I do, well at least not right now, but I may have done in the past), however some people feel the need to be following social levels of acceptance when leading their lives, AND these are the people you can help.
So be more accepting of people who chose to lead their lives rather differently, and you too can ensure other people’s happiness. If nothing else, think of the fucking karma points. Or if that doesn’t work, think of being married and it being socially acceptable to have a lover when your wife no longer puts out. Not to mention you won’t have to worry about waking up in the night with your balls being super-glued to your thighs.
Yep, you got it, I’m a commitment phobe. Big time. I can’t really commit to anything past which football team I support, which politician I back or what kind of music I love (and even on the latter I do sometimes run scared of my schizophrenic behaviour).
I have always had issues committing in a relationship. I don’t like being tied down, even as a teenager when most of my friends had a steady girl- or boyfriend, I didn’t. I had special friends, but not the go on a date or cuddle up with kind. More the, I’ll sleep with you when I feel like it kinda thing. Whenever it went past that, and those dreaded words came out. I went running.
I love you. Three innocent words right? Nah-ah. Not if you say them to me. Firstly, you’ve gotta be pretty bloody crazy to love someone who from the beginning makes it clear that they’re only after one thing. When I say not going on dates, I honestly mean not going on dates. I have never in my life been on a date. Why? Because the thought of going somewhere with one person when the underlying issue is to experience whether you’re suited to be in a relationship with each other, not to mention the public affection, absolutely terrifies me. I don’t mean I haven’t gone somewhere with just the one person that I’ve happened to be in a physical relationship with, but they have never been dates, just a matter of convenience when we’ve both wanted to watch a football match at the same pub, or have had an interest in seeing a new film or going to a concert. However there was no holding of hands, or gazing into each other’s eyes or any of that soppy shit.
When someone’s told me they love me, usually one of two things happen. I either freeze up and say nothing or I start laughing. Or if someone has told me on the phone, which did happen once, I freaked out and hung up. Then I break it off, either by actually being honest end ending things because I don’t want to have a physical relationship with someone that has feelings for me that I can’t reciprocate, it’s not fair on them. Or I sabotage things because I actually have feelings and that terrifies me even more than commitment itself.
What worries me the most though is the amount of people that seem to have developed feelings for me in my somewhat short life. Do people really begin to love someone simply because they make you laugh and give good head? I’m bitchy, I’m incredibly difficult to spend time with if things go beyond friendship, and at times even before that. I’m argumentative, competitive, can be very selfish, think I’m better than most people, the list goes on. Sure I have good qualities, I have shit loads of them, but I do not understand why you would develop feelings for someone who so blatantly does not have the ability to commit to having dinner never mind being in a *gulp* sexually exclusive relationship.
No, it’s not because I have underlying psychological issues, nor is it because I had a bad childhood or because my first love broke my heart and now I don’t trust men/women (all things I have been accused of, by one person it was all of those and more), I just really don’t think it’s in my nature to commit to one person. So I’m sorry, to all the men and women out there who may think they’d like to date me, you’re out of luck. Of course, if you’ve read this and still want to date me (No I do not need someone to just show me what love is, I know what it is)… I am really not the one with psychological issues.
Yes, you heard me right. We all know it, girls and boys alike, that arrogant men get the girls. The nice boys complain about it (“Why do girls go for guys who treat them like shit”) and the girls cry over it (“Why do I always go for the men who don’t treat me right”, “He can be so loving and sweet though”, “He’s just confident”, “Yes he’s a complete cunt but Christ is he fucking dynamite in bed” [the last one is generally my comment]).
So why is it that way I hear you ask? Well I think the answer really does depend on the girl.
Lets start with the Samaritan girl. You know the type, the one who is always there when her friends need a shoulder to cry on. The girl who’ll help the old lady carry her groceries home. The stupid little girl who thinks that people actually appreciate it when she sacrifices her time or energy on solving their problems, when in fact they are just taking advantage of the silly little bint. She’s the saviour. She meets an arrogant prick who treats her like shit and she will think that it’s because he’s really not got much confidence, or he’s hurting on the inside and she has to save him from himself. She’s also the type who will take it as a personal failure when he later dumps her, because she didn’t “do enough”. Well love, you deserve a nice bloke, so stop playing the martyr, because quite frankly that got old when Jesus went up on the cross.
Then there’s the Bimbo. Oh how I love a bimbo getting what she deserves. She’s the girl who doesn’t really give a shit about you, yes YOU. She has fake nails, fake tan, fake hair and probably fake tits. She’s generally blonde with big pouty lips… and all the boys drool when she walks by. EXCEPT the arrogant ones. You know why? Because they realise, like anyone with a brain would, that girls like that thrive on attention, it’s like crack cocaine to them. And if they’re not getting their fix from Mr Tall, Dark and Moody, they’re gonna be spending the rest of the evening grinding up against him like he’s the last man on earth. Until he gives them a little bit of attention, by which point they’re hooked and will be desperate for more. Now as much as I would love to give you advice on how to avoid being the victims of such situations in future… you and your orange legs may get your hearts and acrylic nails broken as many times as you let them be, because honestly, I just don’t give a shit.
Then there’s the arrogant girl. Well it figures really, sure opposites attract, but similarities, now they stick together in one big messy… well mess. See the arrogant girl gets attracted to the arrogant bloke because she knows he thinks he’s all that and then some, and she wants to prove he’s not. The arrogant guy is attracted to the stuck up bitch because, well, she’s usually a stuck up bitch for a reason and he fucking loves a challenge. Now the sex, will be amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Why? Because everything will be a competition, I will make you feel more turned on than me, I will make you come harder than you do me, I will make you scream louder, I will make you absolutely exhausted… but still wanting more. See, win-win situation, right? *Insert annoying gameshow sound here* Wrooooong. Because when I say everything will be a competition, I mean everything, and your final competition will be who can fuck the other person’s head up the most by ending it. And as much as the feminist part of me wishes to lie on this next part, men usually win.
Then there’s the self harmer, the one who thinks she’s worthless, the bitch who actually is just being bitchy to cover up how desperate she is to be loved, it’s the innocent girl who cannot help herself and the virgin who quite frankly doesn’t know any better. They all have one thing in common though. They’re women, and women will forever find the arrogant men attractive… if for no other reason, because we still have the defective gene of cave women who found nothing more sexy than the big, hairy bastard hitting us over the head with his club.
P.S. Not all men who are arrogant (or overly confident) are complete cunts. However the ones who are, do try to remember they’re only good for one thing.
1. Vanity. I like men who look after themselves, I love how men smell, I love it when their hair is soft and I want to run my fingers through it at any given opportunity. I do NOT love it when you spend more time in front of a mirror than I do, or your muscles are bigger than your brains. Flexing your arms and blowing kisses at the mirror? Guess it’s just you and your hand tonight, mate.
2. No confidence. Now I have been known to be attracted to arrogant men in the past. Christ knows I’ve made some mistakes when it comes to that, but truth be told, I LOVE a confident man. I love a bloke who knows that I’ll be looking at him when he walks through the room, and I love a man who knows I want him. I do not like a bloke who cannot bring himself to look me in the eyes because he’s too busy hiding in his shell because “nobody likes him”. Also fake arrogance to cover up the lack of confidence, not sexy.
3. Jealousy. I should think that everyone likes their other halves to be a bit jealous, after all insecurity often deems us to believe that partners who never get jealous just don’t care at all (guilty of being accused of that. Several times). However there’s jealousy, and then there’s we’re never leaving the house because if another man as much as looks at you I will have to kill him. Seriously mate, if I’m going home with you, be happy about that, if you don’t trust me, you don’t deserve me. It is that simple.
4. Unable to control your stare. Now I’m quite… how to put this delicately… oh fuck it, I have big tits. I walk down the street, blokes stare at my tits, that’s life. However if we’re out on a date and you spend the whole night staring at my tits rather than getting to know me, don’t expect a second date, and do not expect a blowjob as a thanks for the lovely night. I’d rather go home to my sex toys who I know love me for me, rather than the size of my chest. I’m not saying you can’t look at my tits, I’m just saying, I’ve got other body parts too, ones that you’ll never get to see or touch.
5. Dutch courage, gone mad. Now I don’t mind if you need to have a drink before you get the courage to go up to a girl, there’s nothing wrong with it. However it is incredibly unattractive to be sat chatting with your friends and some bloke pissed out of his had comes over and starts drooling whilst telling you he thinks you’re hot and then tries to snog you. Sorry mate, I aint going to be the girl whose name you can’t remember in the morning. I’m out of your league, and quite frankly I doubt it you could even get your sad excuse of a cock semi hard.
6. Sexism. Now I believe in looking after my man (or woman), I’ll cook for you and I’ll give you head when you’ve had a hard day at work, but you do NOT treat me like I’m worth less than you. I am (at least) just as smart as you and I am capable of anything you can and more (multiple orgasms springs to mind). Tell me to shut up, assume all I care about is that I look pretty for you or make demeaning comments about me in front of your mates and I promise you, you’ll be out of the picture quicker than a hooker robs a John who won’t pay.
7. You can’t make me come, or refuse to be told how to. I promise you that I will make you come hard and then beg for more, but I also promise that if you don’t make me moan, you’ll be spending months trying to find someone who can make you feel how I did. Some blokes need help when it comes to making a girl orgasm, that’s fair enough, I am more than willing to tell you just how to leave me shaking from pleasure if you can’t figure it out for yourself. What I am not willing to do is lay on my back whilst you hump me like a limp dog. Sorry mate, but if you can’t and won’t make me scream, don’t let the door hit your naked ass as I throw you out.
8. Hitting on every girl in the club. Oh please, like I am going to have any wannabe WAG’s sloppy seconds.
9. Showing everyone who I belong to. I don’t mind holding your hand, I may even give you a kiss if you behave, but I am not a big fan of public affection. Don’t go grabbing my ass and showing your tongue down my throat every fucking time you think another bloke is checking me out. Feel me up because you fancy me, not because you’re marking your territory like a rampant puppy.
10. Cheating. Don’t cheat on me. It’s like being in an antique shop, you can look but you can’t touch, and if you break anything, I will make you pay. Now I don’t really do relationships and commitment to one person, however if you expect me to play nice and not go off with someone else, I’d expect the same from you, because I promise you, if I end up with Chlamydia because you shagged some slag, if the next week I’m hitting on you… it’s only because I’m very vengeful and have something mean in mind.
Other turn offs include looking at other girls, but not admitting to it if you get caught (I don’t care if you look mate, but grow a pair eh, or at least let me have a look as well), never putting me first (I promise besides from football, I’ll prioritise you to a degree), trying to control me or thinking that no means yes. When I say something, you can count on it being exactly what I’m thinking, so don’t go generalising me and claim that women always say the opposite of what they mean. Oh, and never assume I’m like all other women, because I promise you, you’ve never met anyone quite like me.
See I know for a fact that the items I post about sex get so many more hits than my other blog entries do (yes I AM sad enough to look at my stats, but purely from an investigative point of view of course) so I figured if I titled an entry “sex” it’s bound to draw you in. Don’t worry, I am actually going to talk about sex, I’m not just doing it to get more hits to my blog.
So I was thinking, whilst having a cigarette and drinking my wine way too quickly (usually not a big fan of wine, but these lovely spring evenings we’re having made me fancy it), whether sex is better with someone you love than when it’s with someone you’re not in love with. Now I realise that maybe it doesn’t sound like a very interesting thing to be thinking about, but when something pops into my head, no matter what it is, it won’t leave said head until I’ve discussed the issue with myself, so I figured I may as well do it on here.
I’ve had endless amounts of people tell me how much better sex is when two people are in love, some people have been previous sexual partners, some are just friends. Now whilst talking of previous partners, one was in love with me whilst I wasn’t in love with him and he said that it was better for him because he loved me. We did have great sex, some of the best nights ever was spent with him (and sometimes not just him), but although I’m pretty good in bed, I doubt it that it was better for him just because he had some feelings that I didn’t.
I’d say that having sex with someone you love may be a lot better than some nights spent with random one night stands, usually sex is better with someone you have known for a lengthy period of time because you both know what the other wants and enjoys. You know you click, you know what’s what and there’ll be no nasty surprises (like his cock’s the size of a thumb, major downside if that happens eh), but I don’t think love comes into the equation. Maybe if you love someone you try harder to satisfy them, whilst if you don’t you’re not really fussed if you don’t make him/her scream from pleasure?
I just don’t see how love can make you better sexual partners. Maybe I don’t particularly understand love, most people that know me know how cynical I am about falling in love, “the one”, marriage (eep) and all that stuff, but I do generally have a good understanding of people and how they work. I think that perhaps people say sex is better with someone they love, because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Everything is better when you love someone isn’t it? The world’s ending tomorrow you say? Well that’s OK, because I get to die with the missus screaming in my ear. Yeah. Maybe not. If you love someone, and they love you, I imagine it makes you feel more confident, more free, more safe… more able to enjoy things. Or maybe it’s simply because when you’re in love, you get married, have kids and only have sex twice a year which makes even a shit shag seem like the best night ever.
I don’t think sex has anything to do with love. I think emotions control everything in our lives to a degree, but I don’t think it’s going to make you climax better or ensure you have multiple orgasms rather than a dull old short one. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s all about chemistry, not whether you can see yourself walking down the aisle in a fluffy white dress. Anyway, chances are if you’re thinking about stuff like that whilst having sex you’re only thinking it’s amazing because you’re dreaming about silverware and cappuccino machines.