Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Wayne

19th
October
2010

rooney

Every football fan has those players they idolize, the ones they think will never leave the club. Most of the time as a United fan; I’ve been right with those assumptions. Giggs, Scholes, Neville, all players I never thought I would see playing for different clubs, and thankfully I never had to. I also used to think Wayne Rooney was one of those players, he loved playing for United, he loved hearing us sing his name, just not enough to get his head out of his arse and do his job.

Sir Alex confirmed in a press conference this afternoon that Wayne “used to sleep with grannies, now I like them young” Rooney wants to leave Old Trafford. Great, you want to go, you go. You may be our best player when you’re on top form, but lets face it, that’s rather inconsistently, and even when you are, you’re not worth 200k weekly. No doubt we’re going to struggle to find someone to replace what you’ve given us over the years, but we’ve lost bigger and better players in the past, Eric Cantona springs to mind, and you were never going to be as important as he was to us.

No one player is more important than the club, especially one who spends his spare time shagging some prossie when his missus is pregnant with their child. Especially a player whose greed clouds his judgement to the point where he thinks that he’ll ever be as good a player in Spain, or god forbid the Wastelands, as you were at United. And especially a player who throws away the years we have loved you, the things Sir Alex and our coaching staff have taught you, and what you have been allowed to be a part of at Old Trafford, the Theatre of Dreams.

I’m not about to shed any tears what so ever at you Rooney, you’re not worth it. As it stands I’d be happy to see the club trade you for a packet of Hob Nobs and a cup of tea.

Sil, x

PS. If you, by some miracle, stay, I for one will not be as forgiving as the Liverpool fans were of Steve “kisses the badge on his chest, hands in a transfer request” Gerrard. You are officially off my Christmas list.

Sil’s quick guide to the World Cup

11th
June
2010

A quick walkthrough of the teams in this year’s World Cup, simply because I have nothing better to do.

Algeria: No chance, but they’re generally not too bad to watch.

Argentina: Have a chance, although in my opinion probably won’t win it. Nor do we want them to win it, never mind the Hand of God, if the Argies win it Maradona’s threatened to show us the nuts and spanner of God.

Australia: Lol.

Brazil: Always a contender. Always a bunch of cheating bastards who for some reason seem to get away with murder with the referees. May win it, but probably won’t deserve it.

Cameroon: I’d love for them to do well, sadly they probably won’t do much.

Chile: People won’t expect much from them as they generally don’t know much about them, they may surprise you though.

Ivory Coast: Their star (wanker) Didier Drogba may be returning despite having a broken arm. Which pretty much says all about how good they are without him doesn’t it.

Denmark: Don’t make me laugh. Although, they’ve surprised us before, of course, that’s like nearly two decades ago.

England: Sorry people, but won’t happen. No, really. It’s not going to happen. If it does I’ll eat my hat. One of you will have to buy me a hat first though.

France: They’re shit. They’re manager is doing his best to ensure they remain shit, and to be honest I have a bigger chance of winning it taking on all the top teams, on my own.

Germany: Hell. No.

Ghana: Nah.

Greece: Bless them, but no.

Honduras: It’d be brilliant if they did, but sadly just because you’re in the World Cup it doesn’t mean you have a chance at winning it.

Italy: Usually do well in the World Cup. Shame their a bunch of facist, corrupt bastards. Come on, you know you’re all thinking it.

Japan: Not even if the other teams defended as badly as the yanks defended Pearl Harbour. (Heel heat)

North Korea: No.

South Korea: Nope. Although will probably do better than their Northern “friends”.

Mexico: Well I’m cheering for them, although not that hopeful. They’re the underdogs though!

The Netherlands: Haha. Hahaha. Yeah, right.

New Zealand: I believe one website, may have been Betfair, is giving you a 1000/1 on the Kiwis to win. I’d say it’s worth putting a quid on it, although you’d probably need a nuclear disaster affecting everyone but their team for the bet to go through.

Nigeria: Could put up some tough matches, but it won’t help them much further than the first group play if they get through.

Paraguay: Make an educated guess at how Uruguay will do, then imagine half of that and you’ll have Paraguay.

Portugal: Well, they do have Ronaldo. However, that won’t be enough and they’ll be left disappointed again. Of course a few winks here and there could lighten the whole cup up.

Serbia, Slovakia and Slovenia: No, no and no. Or maybe njet.

South Africa: There is no such thing as poetic justice.

Spain: Seems the favourites, however, it remains to be seen if they can live up to the high expectations.

Switzerland: Neutral countries rarely win anything. Except for “lost” Nazi gold.

Uruguay: They’ll do OK, no better, no worse. Along with France, Mexico and South Africa they probably make up the toughest and least predictable group.

USA: They call it “soccer”, if they ever win the World Cup I think football as a sport may as well be retired.

So basically… We may end up with no winners! COME ON MEXICO!!

Sil, x