1. Infiltrate MI5 and get them to execute orders to have David Cameron killed by orders of the Queen. (No I am not being serious, please do not have me locked up for terrorism, I honestly am joking. Really. At least a little bit. Mostly)

2. Send David Cameron love letters and sign them William Hague, make sure the letters look legit. Hence sound pompous and arrogant, whilst showing appreciation that the amount of blowjobs that have been exchanged between the two have now lead to a great political position for the both of them. Then leak the letters to the Sun, who, lets face it, will print anything.

3. Infiltrate the palace wearing Mission Impossible style disguise to appear as David Cameron, get into the Queen’s bed then say in very posh voice: “Ma’am, I would like to thank you for giving me the power to fuck this country up the backside, by analy buggering you.”

4. Give Gordon Brown a hug. Let’s face it, he could probably really do with one.

5. Watch Fringe on Sky 1 HD. Not because it will help matters in the slightest, but quite frankly Science Fiction is a hell of a lot more appealing than reality. I would prefer the world exploding due to improbable continual opening of gateways between parallel worlds than a Tory government.

6. Get a time machine. Travel five years into the future, see what state the UK is in by then and hence decide whether to become a harem girl in Saudi Arabia as of next week.

7. Expect the worst. It can never really be as bad as expected. Lib Dem will have some say won’t they. We won’t all get screwed over totally.

8. Believe in the power of positive thinking.

9. Realise positive thinking does not work.

10. Become an excessive drinker, smoker and all around annoying little cunt. And probably become a Member of Parliament as a result of it.

Sil, x