Seriously. Despite all my miserable notions and slightly (but only slightly) taking the mick out of V-day, I would like to wish everyone else a great day. Really, I mean it.
If you lot of pathetic mugs want to spend a load of money on chocolates that will have her complaining about her weight for weeks, or flowers that’ll be dead in a week (and a bitch to clean out of the vase if you forget to get rid straight away), then you go right ahead. To all you sensible people out there who’ve been made to feel like you’re all right dicks because you’re not going to a mediocre Italian tonight, just have a look at the picture below and then tell me you don’t feel a million times better about yourselves.
At least now we can go to the High Street without getting blinded by red, metallic love hearts in every bloody shop window. Of course, they’re only going to go and replace them with fucking chickens that look like they’ve been taken straight from the KFC genetic modification farms. Happy fucking Easter.
I realised I skipped a day on the V-day countdown, but to be perfectly honest, after my team beat City, I really couldn’t even be bothered to regain my distain for the Hallmark holiday (The city is yoooours, the city is yoooours, 20000 empty seats, are you fuckin’ sureee? Right, that’s out of my system now.)
Now V-day is nothing without Valentine’s Day movies, right? And in an attempt to be slightly more cheerful about the big day, I’m going to suggest a couple of films that might be suitable.
1. Valentine. I mean, it’s all in the name, really? So, it may be about a killer and nobody knows who he is (well it’s kind of obvious if you have half a brain), but it has eye candy a plenty in it. Most notably David Boreanaz (yummy) and Denise Richards (in a swimsuit as well). It’s also got a not so famous Katherine Heigl (before she was SUPER famous) and some dude who used to be in the latter seasons of Beverly Hills 90210, I think he may have played a lawyer, or an accountant and he dated one of or both the blondes in it (you know the ones I mean, Tori “Only got the part because my dad’s a bit soft” Spelling and the other one who used to date Brandon in the show). It also has THE best poem ever written, which I quote quite often in day to day conversations, “Roses are red, Violets are blue… They’ll need dental records to identify you.” 10 out of 10 for brilliantly lousy script, yet refreshing horror reminiscent of the days where horror films still tried to adhere to some sort of a story.
2. My Bloody Valentine. Now, this isn’t a great film, not by any means. Even as a horror it’s predictable and unoriginal. However, it has Jensen Ackles in it, and if I could have one night with that gorgeous man, I’d give up sex forever.
3. Natural Born Killers. Hey, if there’s ever a story that shows how messed up love can get, this is the one. Although I suppose the sociopathic tendencies played a small part.
4. Misery. Hey, if ever there was a bunny boiler… and these two weren’t even in a relationship, she was just crazy and obsessed with a writer. Now imagine if they’d actually been in a relationship. Then imagine how crazy she’d have been. Then stop being miserable you’re single.
5. Basic Instinct and/or Fatal Attraction. Both are two of my favourite films ever. These films have lessons to be learned aplenty; don’t sleep with more than one person in a film, don’t cheat on your wife with a psychopath, don’t fall in love with a woman who has a thing about ice picks and whatever you do, do NOT trust Michael Douglas’ taste in women. Sure Catherine Zeta Jones is stunningly beautiful, but besides from the fact that she’s Welsh, a good actress and mediocre singer… what do we really know about her?
Enjoy, I know I will
P.S. If you spend V-Day watching Twilight, you should have your eyes gauged out with a spoon. Just saying.
If you really, really have to celebrate it.
1. A set of ten coupons for blowjobs. Valid any time. You’re not allowed to complain + no making funny faces + if he wants you to swallow, do it. Only fair.
2. Five free passes to go out with the boys (well, you don’t want him taking the piss, and if you give him anymore, he probably will). This way you get a night to yourself to do, well, whatever normal women do. Watch the soaps maybe? He doesn’t have to come home expecting trouble. May want to add in a clause of no using the blowjob coupons on the same nights as the free passes though, he’s only going to pretend he’s forgotten he got one in the morning, the slimy bastard.
3. An Xbox 360/PS3 if he’s not a gamer, get the PS3. You can play games; he can watch porn blu-ray style, resuuult.
4. One of them car track sets, you know where you push the button and they go around in circles racing each other. Think about it, whenever someone gets those for kids, who end up playing with them? The “grown-up” men do. Actually, get me one of those. Please.
5. Porn. Now the last one can be a miss as much as a hit. Some men would love their other half to get them porn (although they may take it as an invite to sex, so you know, if you’re not up for that, may want to get him a couple of shirts from M&S and maybe a nice tie instead). However, they could be a miss, as some men have what I like to call “badly hidden porn syndrome”. Common symptoms include hiding porn in the back of the closet (despite you doing all the laundry, so you will find it putting clothes away, tidying, or just being generally nosey), leaving porn in the VCR/DVD player and claiming it’s not theirs (yeah, because your 80 year old neighbour sneaks over whilst you’re both at work to watch porn in your house) and clinging on to year old porn mags and usually hide them in the bathroom (that one’s even lost on me). Now if your man is the latter kind of man, don’t get him porn. Chances are he’ll feel about the same as someone really religious being handed a crucifix by Satan.
1. Go bungee jumping. It’s kind of like a relationship, only you get the security of a rope and it won’t kill you.
2. Have a nice relaxing walk in a Safari park. Remember, being mauled to death by a tiger is going to be less painful than being kneed in the bollocks for not buying a ring with enough karats.
3. Watch Titanic. When it comes down to it, that bitch is going to let you drown. Remember that.
4. Spend the night on a park bench. That’s how cold it will be sleeping in your car when she locks you out for being down the pub with your mates.
5. Go to a strip club. A good one. You’ll still have more money than if you had a girlfriend, you can drink as much as you like and when you waste a load of money on extras, least you’ll get what you’re paying for.
Four sleeps to go, are you as excited as me?
Now, I’d have thought it’s quite obvious that I’m not the kind of person who would celebrate Valentine’s Day. So in honour of all the like minded people out there, which probably will be made up of mainly single people, broken hearted people and 40 year old virgins, I’m going to do a countdown to the big day itself.
In commiserations of the day itself being only five sleeps away, let’s get this party started.
Five gifts to be suspicious off
1. Your girlfriend/wife gets you tickets to go see your favourite football club despite ALWAYS complaining about how you never spend time with her and instead you’re glued to Sky Sports. The milkman’s coming around mate, and it ain’t for a brew.
2. Flowers from Tesco’s garage. Yes, he did get it on the way home from work after he forgot that it’s the one day a year where if he comes home with something good, he won’t have to beg for sex.
3. You notice a big purchase on the credit card from a jewellery store. You get flowers and chocolates. And he doesn’t ask for sex. You do the maths.
4. Sexy lingerie when you hate getting into bed with anything but one of his old t-shirts on. Obviously it looked good on his bit on the side, and they were on BOGOF!
5. A Chlamydia testing kit. What a way to say I love you.