1. You already have a mother to nag you for not eating right/wearing the right clothes/having the right friends/doing the right degree/having the right job/drinking too much beer.
2. You will spend the rest of your life explaining the Offside rule. (Yes I’m full of double standards)
3. She’ll always be better than you. And she’ll tell you. Repeatedly.
4. She’ll never understand that talking during Match of The Day will be the cause of an argument that ends with you sleeping on the sofa. Which won’t be fair, as she will have started it.
5. Every time you ask her what’s wrong, and she says “nothing”, you will have exactly thirty seconds to figure it out before she starts crying because you don’t love her enough to take mind reading classes.
6. No means yes? No, I think you’ll find no means no. Maybe means no. I’ll think about it means no. Maybe later means no. Yes sometimes means no and all.
7. You know the great sex, the lovely attitude, the everything you want I’ll give part of a relationship? It’s all an act.
8. You want to spend your Sunday mornings in bed nursing a hangover, not cutting the grass, or worse, with her parents. Who by the way will NEVER like you.
9. You call it an open relationship, she’ll call it cheating. You don’t need to be killed in your sleep because a tiny misunderstanding.
10. “Massage” parlours.
1. He’ll expect perfection. You’ll quickly learn not to.
2. Artificial insemination.
3. DIY books for dummies. Even without them, you will probably do better than a man anyhow, in my experience, women are generally better at DIY.
4. You already know the offside rule.
5. Sex toys have more stamina. And they won’t ask you to cook and clean for them.
6. You’re more than capable of having arguments about insignificant things by yourself.
7. Men never grow up, which makes you eternally mummy’s less than perfect replacement.
8. You’d rather be driving that gorgeous car, than be in the passenger seat.
9. They act even more like women, than us women.
10. Sandra Bullock said so, and she’s a fittie, so must be right.
I might do a ten reasons why you need a man later on. Lol. Yeah, right.
Yes, you heard me right. We all know it, girls and boys alike, that arrogant men get the girls. The nice boys complain about it (“Why do girls go for guys who treat them like shit”) and the girls cry over it (“Why do I always go for the men who don’t treat me right”, “He can be so loving and sweet though”, “He’s just confident”, “Yes he’s a complete cunt but Christ is he fucking dynamite in bed” [the last one is generally my comment]).
So why is it that way I hear you ask? Well I think the answer really does depend on the girl.
Lets start with the Samaritan girl. You know the type, the one who is always there when her friends need a shoulder to cry on. The girl who’ll help the old lady carry her groceries home. The stupid little girl who thinks that people actually appreciate it when she sacrifices her time or energy on solving their problems, when in fact they are just taking advantage of the silly little bint. She’s the saviour. She meets an arrogant prick who treats her like shit and she will think that it’s because he’s really not got much confidence, or he’s hurting on the inside and she has to save him from himself. She’s also the type who will take it as a personal failure when he later dumps her, because she didn’t “do enough”. Well love, you deserve a nice bloke, so stop playing the martyr, because quite frankly that got old when Jesus went up on the cross.
Then there’s the Bimbo. Oh how I love a bimbo getting what she deserves. She’s the girl who doesn’t really give a shit about you, yes YOU. She has fake nails, fake tan, fake hair and probably fake tits. She’s generally blonde with big pouty lips… and all the boys drool when she walks by. EXCEPT the arrogant ones. You know why? Because they realise, like anyone with a brain would, that girls like that thrive on attention, it’s like crack cocaine to them. And if they’re not getting their fix from Mr Tall, Dark and Moody, they’re gonna be spending the rest of the evening grinding up against him like he’s the last man on earth. Until he gives them a little bit of attention, by which point they’re hooked and will be desperate for more. Now as much as I would love to give you advice on how to avoid being the victims of such situations in future… you and your orange legs may get your hearts and acrylic nails broken as many times as you let them be, because honestly, I just don’t give a shit.
Then there’s the arrogant girl. Well it figures really, sure opposites attract, but similarities, now they stick together in one big messy… well mess. See the arrogant girl gets attracted to the arrogant bloke because she knows he thinks he’s all that and then some, and she wants to prove he’s not. The arrogant guy is attracted to the stuck up bitch because, well, she’s usually a stuck up bitch for a reason and he fucking loves a challenge. Now the sex, will be amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Why? Because everything will be a competition, I will make you feel more turned on than me, I will make you come harder than you do me, I will make you scream louder, I will make you absolutely exhausted… but still wanting more. See, win-win situation, right? *Insert annoying gameshow sound here* Wrooooong. Because when I say everything will be a competition, I mean everything, and your final competition will be who can fuck the other person’s head up the most by ending it. And as much as the feminist part of me wishes to lie on this next part, men usually win.
Then there’s the self harmer, the one who thinks she’s worthless, the bitch who actually is just being bitchy to cover up how desperate she is to be loved, it’s the innocent girl who cannot help herself and the virgin who quite frankly doesn’t know any better. They all have one thing in common though. They’re women, and women will forever find the arrogant men attractive… if for no other reason, because we still have the defective gene of cave women who found nothing more sexy than the big, hairy bastard hitting us over the head with his club.
P.S. Not all men who are arrogant (or overly confident) are complete cunts. However the ones who are, do try to remember they’re only good for one thing.
1. Vanity. I like men who look after themselves, I love how men smell, I love it when their hair is soft and I want to run my fingers through it at any given opportunity. I do NOT love it when you spend more time in front of a mirror than I do, or your muscles are bigger than your brains. Flexing your arms and blowing kisses at the mirror? Guess it’s just you and your hand tonight, mate.
2. No confidence. Now I have been known to be attracted to arrogant men in the past. Christ knows I’ve made some mistakes when it comes to that, but truth be told, I LOVE a confident man. I love a bloke who knows that I’ll be looking at him when he walks through the room, and I love a man who knows I want him. I do not like a bloke who cannot bring himself to look me in the eyes because he’s too busy hiding in his shell because “nobody likes him”. Also fake arrogance to cover up the lack of confidence, not sexy.
3. Jealousy. I should think that everyone likes their other halves to be a bit jealous, after all insecurity often deems us to believe that partners who never get jealous just don’t care at all (guilty of being accused of that. Several times). However there’s jealousy, and then there’s we’re never leaving the house because if another man as much as looks at you I will have to kill him. Seriously mate, if I’m going home with you, be happy about that, if you don’t trust me, you don’t deserve me. It is that simple.
4. Unable to control your stare. Now I’m quite… how to put this delicately… oh fuck it, I have big tits. I walk down the street, blokes stare at my tits, that’s life. However if we’re out on a date and you spend the whole night staring at my tits rather than getting to know me, don’t expect a second date, and do not expect a blowjob as a thanks for the lovely night. I’d rather go home to my sex toys who I know love me for me, rather than the size of my chest. I’m not saying you can’t look at my tits, I’m just saying, I’ve got other body parts too, ones that you’ll never get to see or touch.
5. Dutch courage, gone mad. Now I don’t mind if you need to have a drink before you get the courage to go up to a girl, there’s nothing wrong with it. However it is incredibly unattractive to be sat chatting with your friends and some bloke pissed out of his had comes over and starts drooling whilst telling you he thinks you’re hot and then tries to snog you. Sorry mate, I aint going to be the girl whose name you can’t remember in the morning. I’m out of your league, and quite frankly I doubt it you could even get your sad excuse of a cock semi hard.
6. Sexism. Now I believe in looking after my man (or woman), I’ll cook for you and I’ll give you head when you’ve had a hard day at work, but you do NOT treat me like I’m worth less than you. I am (at least) just as smart as you and I am capable of anything you can and more (multiple orgasms springs to mind). Tell me to shut up, assume all I care about is that I look pretty for you or make demeaning comments about me in front of your mates and I promise you, you’ll be out of the picture quicker than a hooker robs a John who won’t pay.
7. You can’t make me come, or refuse to be told how to. I promise you that I will make you come hard and then beg for more, but I also promise that if you don’t make me moan, you’ll be spending months trying to find someone who can make you feel how I did. Some blokes need help when it comes to making a girl orgasm, that’s fair enough, I am more than willing to tell you just how to leave me shaking from pleasure if you can’t figure it out for yourself. What I am not willing to do is lay on my back whilst you hump me like a limp dog. Sorry mate, but if you can’t and won’t make me scream, don’t let the door hit your naked ass as I throw you out.
8. Hitting on every girl in the club. Oh please, like I am going to have any wannabe WAG’s sloppy seconds.
9. Showing everyone who I belong to. I don’t mind holding your hand, I may even give you a kiss if you behave, but I am not a big fan of public affection. Don’t go grabbing my ass and showing your tongue down my throat every fucking time you think another bloke is checking me out. Feel me up because you fancy me, not because you’re marking your territory like a rampant puppy.
10. Cheating. Don’t cheat on me. It’s like being in an antique shop, you can look but you can’t touch, and if you break anything, I will make you pay. Now I don’t really do relationships and commitment to one person, however if you expect me to play nice and not go off with someone else, I’d expect the same from you, because I promise you, if I end up with Chlamydia because you shagged some slag, if the next week I’m hitting on you… it’s only because I’m very vengeful and have something mean in mind.
Other turn offs include looking at other girls, but not admitting to it if you get caught (I don’t care if you look mate, but grow a pair eh, or at least let me have a look as well), never putting me first (I promise besides from football, I’ll prioritise you to a degree), trying to control me or thinking that no means yes. When I say something, you can count on it being exactly what I’m thinking, so don’t go generalising me and claim that women always say the opposite of what they mean. Oh, and never assume I’m like all other women, because I promise you, you’ve never met anyone quite like me.
1. Being needy. Now whilst I find men being needy slightly attractive (only slightly), women being needy is a completely different matter. I’m not talking need a hug when they’re feeling down, there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m talking being out with a group of people but if you do not give me continual attention I will get pissed off kind of needy. I mean seriously, develop a personality and talk to someone besides your better half.
2. Orange legs. Ok, so perhaps this isn’t really a quality as such, it’s more of a looks issue. However it shows that you would rather look like a peeled orange ( mainly orange in colour but with some white lines and dots scattered around) than be confident enough to be proud of your pale legs. Or bother to put on a pair of tights. A side point to this is women who wear too much make up. Now I wear a lot of make up, I like it, but I know how to wear it. If your face looks like the work of a face painter at a kid’s party, it’s too much.
3. Dumbing yourself down. If you think that a man, or woman, will only be attracted to you if you’re dumber than them, then you’re an idiot. It’s the 21st century girls, there’s nothing wrong with being clever, and stupid women is a turn off. Even page three girls know how to read these days.
4. Flirting with girls when you’re straight, and you are only doing it for attention. That just fucks me off, of course if you’re a straight girl (most of the time) I don’t have a chance with you anyhow, but do not rub up against me and feel me up just to give your fella a hard on love. I may have to smack you.
5. Arguing for the sake of it. Love, if you need attention that badly (look point one) then put on a short skirt or a low cut top, least that way you can get attention without the rest of us having to listen to you argue over the fact that your fella don’t like the shade of nail varnish you’re wearing. Men generally don’t care what colour your nails are honey, as long as you can scratch them down his back when you’re fucking.
6. Arrogance (thanks to the person who reminded me to put this unattractive quality on the list). Now I admit that I can come across as quite an arrogant person (which I am often reminded of), but truth be told I am a very confident person. I am confident in who I am as a person and the skin I’m in. I do tend to think I’m always right, which may be a bit arrogant, but I can admit when I’m wrong. The sort of arrogance I’m talking about is the girls who look down at you because you chose not to get the fake nails, hair extensions and false eyelashes, just to go down to the fucking shop for a pint of milk. Confidence is sexy, thinking you’re the best thing since sliced bread when really you’re just a more stupid version of the plastic fantastic Katie Price, so not hot.
7. Pretending to be someone else. Now I’m not talking dressing up as a naughty nurse pretend, obviously, as that’s hot (on the right girl, of course), I’m talking about the schizophrenia some girls seem to develop around men (and sometimes women). Don’t pretend you go to church because you have a crush on the cute Christian boy at work, don’t pretend you can play the guitar because you overheard the fit mate of your brother saying what a turn on girls who love rock is. Just don’t pretend. If a bloke doesn’t like you for who you are, he’s not going to like you for who you’re not, and nor will I. Besides, there’s plenty of us who’d love to go to that Maiden concert he’d be wasting a ticket on you for.
8. Bitching. What is it with women and not growing up when it comes to slagging off other women. Now I may have, at times, said something bitchy about someone, but you better believe I said it to them first. Sitting in the corner with your girlfriend slagging off the girl who’s chatting to the boys in the group because she’d rather talk about football and sex than make up and what’s happened on “Desperate Housewives” is just sad. And I can promise you, that if your boyfriend’s talking to that girl (that would be me), it’s not you he’ll be thinking about when getting off tonight, by himself no less as you’re too busy on the phone to your girlfriend slating my outfit because I don’t dress like a pretty little bimbo.
9. Talking to me during football matches. Look boys, you’ve all been there right, the girl who wants your attention when you’re trying to watch your team. “You love those fucking players more than you love me.” Hell yes I do, and I’ll tell you why, they understand my passion. You don’t.
10. Inability to comprimise. If you want me to have dinner with your air head friends, then yes you should spend the evening with me and my mates in the pub. If you want me to have dinner with your parents, who by the way hate me, then you should put up with my family (even when I don’t). If you want to go on a holiday, I’ll lay on the beach with you, but not for a straight week. You gotta give as well as you take love, or I’ll find someone who does.
Other qualities that turn me right off are genuine stupidity (may not be your fault you’re a bit on the dim side, but I want someone who I can talk to about more than the outfits at the Oscar’s), vanity to the point of looks being everything you care about and not being able to cook or look after yourself. The last point may be old fashioned, but women should be able to cook, it’s just one of those things. If you don’t know how to put on a stove, I won’t be going near you any time soon.
Am I the only one who has noticed that men seem to think that women don’t get off unless it’s for the sake of exciting their men? Of course there are some men out there that realise us girls sometimes just need a little self loving at times too, but there’s a scary amount of men who seem to think that women either don’t want to please themselves because our only sexual function is to please men or we think the thought of it alone is terrifying.
Now I’m all for pleasing men, hell, I have often found it to be my main mission in life to please demanding men, and boy do I love a challenge. However, I will get my own fun too. Lets face it, some men don’t last for long enough, some men don’t know how to get us off, and even more unbelivable… some of us women, we actually sometimes manage to force that horny feeling out from deep within when we’re on our own. I know, shocking right?
I’m quite proud of my collection of sex toys, actually if I was any prouder I would probably show it to every person that ever comes to see me, if it wasn’t for that it may stop them from ever coming to see me again, and lets face it when you tend to talk first and think later… you need all the friends you can manage to keep hold off. You know why I’m proud of my sex toys though, and why I’m right now this moment in the late/early hours telling you about this, because I’m a girl and I’m not ashamed to say that if what they say about masturbating was true… I would have a white cane and a guide dog by now. And what’s wrong with that eh?
You know why there’s something wrong with it though, don’t you? It’s very simple, and I believe I covered some of this when I was discussing penis envy (yes, it does all come back to cock size in the end), and it’s all about confidence. A confident man doesn’t mind his woman, girlfriend, booty call doing the business on her own when he’s otherwise occupied, but sadly in my experience a lot of men aren’t that confident. In fact if a man finds out that you have been flicking the bean, as you may call it, on your own (well done on forgetting to put the toys back in the drawer…again), he will most likely get the hump. Then he will decide that he’s not enough for you, obviously he doesn’t satisfy you. Despite the fact that you wouldn’t think that just because he strokes the pole every morning in the shower. Next he’ll probably decide you’re having an affair as well. Of course there is a slim chance that you can avoid that, but only by spending a good twenty minutes telling him that it was only because you were so horny thinking about him and how great he was last night (bla bla bla) then continue by telling him in specific detail what you were thinking (whatever you do, don’t tell him that you were actually thinking about that fit bloke you were flirting with at the supermarket).
And I tell you what else, you’d have to go through a lot of men before finding one that can give you the sensations that a “Wiggle Wand” can bring. Relax boys, we’ll still be up for a shag later, but only if you shut up and stop acting like we’ve just photocopied and blown up the picture of you dressing up in your mum’s clothes and shoes as a five year old and then hung them up all around your work place. Besides, if you don’t stop whining about it… I may just replace you with that fittie from the shops, could do with a bit of a change anyhow.
Now that title sounds a little bit confusing, I admit, but still I do think it’s a really good question. As I’ve gotten older, although not necessarily wiser, I’ve grown closer to the conclusion that men are indeed everything that they claim women are. I’ve frequently heard men say that us women are indecisive, we say the opposite of what we mean, we complain, we have emotional problems bla bla bla.
Now I would like to bring to everyone’s attention, that perhaps the reason men see this in us is that they’re actually the ones with the issues? For instance, a man comes over, and I ask him which beer he would like out of three or four choices. If it takes you more than thirty seconds to decide on a beer, then chances are an actually important decision may take you oh I don’t know… say two years.
Women say the opposite of what we mean? Well I try to say what I mean all the time, although it appears men are so set on this specific sentiment that they will forever take no as a yes. Now although I admit that some stereotypes may be correct, there are some women who will say “Everything’s fine” when they actually mean “If you don’t fucking figure out what you’ve done wrong in the next ten minutes you will not get ANY sex for at least a month” there are plenty of men out there who never say what they mean either. Like a lot of men say “I’ll call you” when they don’t, obviously this rarely, next to never happened to me, but I do know people it has happened to a few times! They also pretend they don’t like you, so that you will get more keen. Now what is up with that? I know men don’t tend to think with the right head, but even in male terms there must be alarm bells going off that that may not be the best approach. Trust me if the girl you’re after reacts well to being ignored and treated like she’s invisible… chances are you may end up in one messed up relationship.
Now for my favourite. Emotional problems. I admit I’m not a very emotional person, something that has been pointed out to me on several occasions, and I also admit that this may be just as big a disadvantage as being overly emotional. Men of course never have any emotions, they don’t cry, they don’t show their sincere love in public, grabbing your girlfriend’s ass and sticking your tongue down her throat to impress your mates doesn’t count as being sincerely loving by the way, and they never get upset. Except for when it comes to sports of course. Sure. That’s why every man I’ve ever known gets more grumpy than a woman who’s PMSing whenever something doesn’t go their way or a woman doesn’t act in a way such as he wishes her too.
Men can be just as insecure, emotional, contradictory, indecisive and lovesick as girls out there. They just don’t like to admit it because it makes them feel like less of a man. Shame really, as I’ve seen so many men lose out on good women just because of that fear, hope you’re not making the same mistake!
P.S. Personally I’m not that keen on overly emotional men, but just thought I’d help those of you trying to pull girls who do like them.